Speak On It...

What I've learned from recess...


There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary-we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit. - Romans 5:3

I've been taking recess officially for approximately three months. I said at first that the hardest part about taking a break is just that there aren't any ground rules or instructions so how do I know when the break is over, and how do I know when I've accomplished my goals within the break? Well the break is not over but I think I have direction now. I've been using this line lately that I heard from Joel Osteen saying that I'm developing a life of expectancy. I think this break is really helping me develop that life. I've realized a lot lately. I've realized that I am a much happier person when I don't have to bear a grudge or be angry with someone. I've realized that I may not be content with a situation but when I look at the doors that have been opened for me and the doors that are opening for me I have no reason to be sad or fearful or negative about my future.

I think that a lot of people have different ideas of love and sex and relationships. I think through taking this break I've been able to see that there are a lot of people out there who think they are too cool to admit that they want a longterm relationship someone to be their best friend who they can rely on and trust and who can expect the same from them. Someone who when they walk in the room it makes your heart skip a beat and everyone else seem insignificant. I think a lot of people are scared to admit that they want that, but also to find it. So many people are walking around thinking that they have so much control over their lives and that being vulnerable and open are weak things. I've learned that it is quite the opposite. Firstly, we have relatively little control over our lives, we may have free will, but the flaw in having it is that so does everyone else. It does take a strong person to realize and seek what you want in life whether that be career, education, freedom, relationships, or what not. It takes a strong person because you have to make yourself vulnerable for failure and disappointment not just the idea of success, fulfillment, or happiness.

I've also realized that most young people are mistakingly running around looking for physical pleasure in life and closing themselves off from the idea of complete fulfillment out of a lack of wisdom, or better judgement. It may be fulfilling for some to jump from one person to another to have many sexual partners and to never make a commitment to anyone but themselves but how long can a person go on like that. You keep yourself from developing relationships that can be meaningful and lasting in your life, and lets face it all of us can always use another real friend and confidant. You also make yourself so susceptible to so many complications that sex causes, including unwanted/accidental pregnancies, stds that are curable, those that are permanent, and those that don't even take not having safe sex or penetration to spread from one person to another.

Those who are open to relationships are going about them the wrong way most times. Instead of grounding a relationship in friendship, trust, and mutual respect for one another we ground relationships in sex, physical attraction, and outward personality or out of fear of change or being alone. These things make a lousy foundation and eventually comeback to bite most of us square in the ass. Life is short, and yes, I believe that we all need to take our own path and make decisions and go our own ways, but I also believe that life can be very long when you are unhappy, hurting, or in a state of longing. The sooner we are able to learn how to step back from a situation and look at it I think the better off we are all in life, in general. So many of us talk to others for advice, and worry, and wax and wain about situations and then we go with what we want to do anyway. I've learned that the hardest decision to make the hardest thing to do is usually the right thing. Life isn't easy and no one ever promised us that it would be.

I've also learned that so many of us are so afraid to be alone that we hold on to the idea or the hope of a relationship that is no where near what we deserve or need. Yes, this part is much harder to put into action than it is to say it. I'll be the first to admit it. In all honesty though if you're constantly waiting, whether it be for a phone call, a planned date, for someone to do right, for someone to get there stuff together, for someone to figure out what they want, etc., etc., etc. Then aren't you really alone anyway? I've learned that it is nice to have my friends and family to talk to and rely on because I know them and they know me and we understand each other for whatever shortcomings we all have. At the end of the day they love me and I love them and I have proof of that. It's counterproductive to living a happy life to spend your time waiting for anyone. Not in the since of your significant other is in the army or something and you currently are facing a long distance relationship, that's different. But if someone isn't what you need them to be or what you want them to be within a relationship, LET THEM GO!!! We take years off of our lives worrying and struggling with what someone else's free will allows them to do. In the end some people talk a big or huge game even and when the words come out of their mouthes they may really mean it, but then someway somehow they never follow through. Take the rose colored glasses off and recognize the patterns. Don't be mad, don't hold a grudge, don't be upset at that person. If someone can't be what you need them to be for you it isn't anyone's fault. It's only your fault if you see the signs and the patterns and you keep waiting, and allowing that person to put you in depressed moods, to make you angry, to take advantage of you, walk all over you, break your heart, steal your spirit, and you keep letting them. The only person you can change, or fix is yourself and sometimes you need a lot of help and support just to do that. We all know how hard it is to change bad habits and things that we do that we don't like, so why the hell do we have the impression that it will be sooo much easier for someone else to change "for us" or to change themselves. It's not rocket science but I think we all lose perspective every now and then. This break has helped me to get my perspective back and to focus on what is important and let go of the rest.

I'd rather walk alone and build the virtue that the above passage mentions, and don't mistake that for pride, than to compromise my self worth for the sake of being with someone. I'd rather walk alone and be patient that the right person will come along, than rush into several situations that can lead me to hurting myself more or hurting others. I'd rather walk alone and be passionate about life and my goals, than be restrained, weakened, and limited by the people I choose to keep close to me. I'd rather walk alone and with purpose, than to let my pride discourage me from admitting, seeking, and expecting what I need, deserve, and want out of life. Of course I didn't learn all of this over the course of this short break, but I do believe that by removing all of those other distractions and garbage from my life has made me open and available to really receive it and to walk the path of expectancy that I've claimed to have been walking all along.

Haa Haa How Much Is That?

I didn't post the official video cause it didn't have Bucks part, hopefully all the songs are as good as this one if so I'm excited about the new cd...

I Can't Stop Listening To...

Drunk Driving Is Not OK!

A friend sent me this video a long time ago and I deleted it somehow. I've been looking for it every since then because it is so freakin HILARIOUS!!! Well today is that day that I found it so I feel compelled to share it with everyone.

I FEEL YA!!!

I've already stated how I felt and 7 days later Diddy is saying the same thing, so all I got to say is I feel ya Diddy!!!!

Mix Me A Drink!!!

PATRON

Need to pass some time...

1. Go to the website above
2. Enter your birth year and country
3. Click on style
4. Click on drink recipes
5. Click on mix me a drink
6. Answer the questions and see what you should be drinking...
7. Make it happen!!!

Grown... hmm...

Grown Women

Girls want to control the man in their life.

Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.

Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.

Grown women revel in it using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.

Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.

Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.

Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.

Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).

Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.

Girls think a guy crying is weak.

Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.

Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.

Grown women know that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.

Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.

Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends

One of my best friends sent me that little diddy. I think we all need that reminder sometimes. It is not easy being a grown woman, but that's how you get that distinction, being able to get through the things that girls can't handle. We were all girls at some point but not all of us grow out of being a girl. I've gotten a lot of these things down, but I can see a few where I can still benefit from reminding myself on a regular basis. I've never been the type to try to keep a guy from being with his friends because to be honest I love hanging out with my girls and I've never had the problem of falling for the bad boy because that guy has never really appealed to me. Whereas I've had a leg up on those things there are the items such as being too focused on the object of my affection and ignoring the signs I am definitely guilty of that, I'm guilty of worrying about whether I was good enough or pretty enough, I'm guilty of being afraid to be alone, and I'm guilty of checking a guy for not calling. But then again I think as long as I'm alive and breathing I'll probably have some fear of being alone because lets be serious no one wants that for the long run. I don't think any amount of being busy or working on your personal growth will relieve that fear for anyone who does have it. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to not want to be alone. I also don't think it's a bad thing for holding anyone not just a guy accountable for saying they are going to call you and not doing so. I get mad at my friends, co-workers, boss, and especially people who are calling me about money, if they say they are going to call and don't. I think everyone has been focused on an object of their affection and not seen the obvious signs before, but I also believe that the older we get the better people get at covering up "the signs" and you end up literally getting gut punched like DAMN where did all of these red flags come from. I also don't believe that you can't be a grown woman and hurt by one man and be ready to be done with all the rest of them. I think that's basic freakin survival. You can only be optimistic but so much but if someone is in a relationship for ten or twelve years I think they've earned the right to be a little bitter if the shit hits the fan, I also believe that if you are experiencing a pattern of ain't shit dudes that it is reasonable to be apprehensive, scared, bitter, and all those other words about all the rest of them out there. It's a scary world out there. I would love to say that the older we get the easier it gets to navigate things like relationships but it doesn't. As I said before people just get better at covering up their red flags and sometimes your knee deep in it before you realize what's going on around you.

Anyone who has been reading this here blog for awhile is well aware that I am on a break personally. So far it's going well. I'm happy to report that I've been sex free for 6 months at the end of this week. (I will admit that only three of them have been by choice) but non-the-less it's an accomplishment. I feel like I can talk about sex and joke about it and it's not difficult anymore. I guess you could say I have a sense of freedom, the monkey isn't on my back anymore. I've come to a point for me that I really want more and need more out of life than a fuck buddy. I even need more than having someone to go out with from time to time or sleep next to from time to time. I am focused now on getting my Masters Degree and getting better at my job and trying to spend time with my family and my friends and it is a good thing. I'm not going to compromise anymore and I'm happy about it. I think in the past I've compromised and didn't even realize I was doing it. Now I see it. So I can fix it. I am on the bitter boat somewhat which I think helps with the whole not caring about being around a guy on a regular basis because honestly I do feel like they all suck at the moment. I'm just glad that I didn't fall back on what I usually do when I feel hurt by a guy. I won't share what that usual fall back is but I realize that it isn't and wasn't healthy and I realized it then but it was a distraction and made me feel better for some of the time. But I don't know maybe providing myself with that distraction is what kept me from getting bitter and what kept me able to I guess be hopelessly hopeful. Now there is no distraction so I'm being more realistic and calling my surroundings for what they are. That is that guys do suck but a lot of girls suck to and I guess it's like Good Charlotte said, you play with fire it's gonna burn you... everybody's hurt somebody before, everybody's been hurt by somebody before ,you can change but you'll always come back for more, it's a game and we're all just victims of love.

At the moment I'm having a perplexing situation. I have in the past been able to have sexual relationships with guys and then be able to be friends with them afterwards. If nothing else I do have the ability to differentiate. One thing I will say though that I find helps in those situations is if you are able to joke with each other and laugh at the situation(s) that you were in before when you guys were still messing around. Also if neither person did anything that was disrespectful to the other then it's usually not difficult to maintain the friendship, in my experience anyway. I have this "friend" supposedly, and we did have a very physical and rather intense kind of non-relationship for a point in time. Now that is over. At first of course I had a lot of trouble accepting it because I wasn't the one that made the decision and I thought things were pretty great, so I didn't see why we had to let that go. Well after I was able to accept that-that part of the relationship was over, I had to decide whether or not I could be friends and if I wanted to be friends with him anymore. After some consideration I decided that I'd rather be friends with this person rather than not be anything because I valued the way that I could talk to him and the way that he talked to me and I genuinely liked communicating with him and the friends part of us hanging out. Well I've been giving him his space and for awhile I would just communicate with him if he communicated with me or just like a once a week saying hello and asking how things were etc., etc., and then slowly but surely I've asked him several times over the last few months or so if he wanted to have lunch, or get a drink, or a meal, or meet up with friends (so as it wouldn't be just him and I) and I'm not getting blatant no's from him I'm not getting any real answers either. When he says he'll call he never does and when he says oh that sounds good or maybe he never follows through. On my end I'm not a retard so I can see a pattern when I see a pattern. I do still care though and there is a part of me that wants to figure out a way to make things as easy as possible for both of us to be able to maintain a friendship. I'm not getting any real help here though. It's very hard for me to give up on people. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship I have with them. I was friends with a college roommate and we had a rocky time and then things were great, then she started hanging out with this other girl and even though no one said she had to she decided that she needed to choose between friends she said some really hurtful things to me and we weren't friends anymore, when she came back and wanted to work things out later on I said ok and I put up with her bullshit and her bullying once again and then once again in her fashion she says she doesn't want to be friends with me. She also like before tried to turn it all on me as if I was a bad person. In that situation I just let her go. I didn't keep calling her, I haven't written or emailed her, I haven't tried in any way to converse with her at all because I am finally done with that relationship. I realize that she has/had many issues and none of those were my fault and it wasn't my job to fix her either if she couldn't respect me for who I am and accept my friendship to be genuine and caring that was her problem to fix not mine. Well that took a long time to happen. I'm just wondering in this situation should I just withdraw entirely, just not communicate at all? Do I keep trying to extend the olive branch? I really don't know. I don't know if he is purposefully being the way that he is, I don't know if he needs more time before he can consider having an actual friendship with me, I don't know if he just doesn't want to be friends at all and doesn't know how to say that with out being a dick about it or if he thinks that he's being a perfectly good friend and doesn't need to change anything. So maybe someone can tell me if I'm being too nice and need to just say fuck it or if I should be using some other approach. I'm open for any and all suggestions at this point.

Kanye West Glow In The Dark Tour

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! The concert was amazing. I was a little pissed at first cause SOMEBODY I won't say any names got here later than they were supposed to, and I ended up missing Lupe Fiasco. But I quickly got over it. N.E.R.D. was the shit! Their performance on stage was far better than listening to the cd I must admit. Chris Brown even came out and danced during one of the songs. Then Rihanna came out and she was great. Of course she did all the favs like Umbrella, and Please Don't Stop The Music and we were all singing and dancing along. It was so great. At the very end of Kanye's set Lupe came out and did a song with him and that was cool cause at least I got to see him for a half a second.

I kid you not though, Kanye West changed my life! This man was on stage the entire time which had to be about two hours all by HIMSELF! We all know that he has a huge ego and he probably doesn't want people up there to distract the attention away from him but it was crazy. I just can't believe he was up there and only took one break and he didn't even go off the stage he literally just sat where he was drank some water and wiped his face off. It was really amazing! You could just see in his face while he was performing that he is possessed when he is up there. He looks crazy as hell like he is just completely consumed about going as hard as he can and giving you 110% through the entire set. There were moments when I was just standing there watching him and I wasn't even singing along or dancing I was in awe of how much stamina he had and how he delivered every single line with as much intention and authenticity as the last one. It was seriously the greatest thing I've ever seen.

The Worst Strategy Ever

Random Myspace Comments for the Week...

Well we all get them those comments on MySpace some more heartfelt than others, to say it nicely, from people we don't know. I've decided to share them, enjoy!!!

American Boy writes:
Im relocating to vienna for job training until june 24th would you do me the honor of showing me around the town? I went to the house where im living in and its manassas omg.... it is sooooo boring

Real Made-tha-Goodfella writes:
HEY LIL MAMA, WHAT IT DO????

Mark writes:
how are you?

The Chosen One writes:
hi you doing cutie??????

3-28-86 writes:
how u doin kristin... You dont have 2 comment back jus wanted 2 let you knoe u have a beautiful smile like u aint already know that... lol

Mike writes:
hello kristen i just want to say that you are a very pretty woman and from the looks of it from you profile that you are goal orentented i hope i spelled that right but anyway i just wanted to say hi not really trying to hit on you but want a professional friend to be by myside and keep me grounded but i hope i here from you soon and stay motovated

Being Patient, "Wait I say upon the Lord..... writes:
How are you today? I'm wonderful by the way! My name is Joshua! I seen from your profile that you went to potomac and graduated a year before me! Ah Potomac days lol Long time ago lol but hit me back when you receive this message! Take care and God Bless!

Douglas writes:
hello kristin... how are you?I hope good times.... is this sentense right when i want to ask you „you.. re ok“??? ;)
sorry about my english... i learn it to be better.
i.. m searching for friends in virginia to get some informations about your state.
I hope you write me back

greetz from cologne, germany

douglas

New Vision New Direction writes:
Whats goin on with you sweety how are you doing

Victor writes:
you have such a pretty smile.... how are you doing tonite?

Max writes:
you look so hot



Well this weeks messages were pretty tame. Especially, compared to the ones that stated stuff like "I really need to eat some p**** right now.... and then listed their phone number I guess for me to call. I'm pretty sure that was the most outrageous one. But anyways, we'll see what we get next week.

Bliss

I got approved for my very own apartment, can you tell how happy I am?

Kris Is Hilarious...

Kris is my favorite, and not just because of the cool name ; ) it's just plain funny, every time...



Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Frustration

Those who do know me, know that I am a hard worker. More often than not I am very modest about it. I don't let on how hard it is sometimes. I think that everyone should do their best and if you really want to accomplish something and you work hard enough that you will accomplish it. I believe the things that I strive to do are things that I have to do, I don't know how else to get what I want but to work for it. It makes me feel really good that people admire that I can work for a residential and mental health supportive services company as a counselor for 40 hours or more a week and embark on going to grad. school as well, but it isn't a big deal for me because in my mind I don't think that they realize that I don't see it as a choice. I guess if someone has a choice and they take the harder path that people find that to be admirable but if you view what you're doing as what you have to do and not as what you are choosing to do then I guess that's why I don't view it as such a huge deal.

In the last few weeks I'm really starting to realize how much I have accomplished and that I really am a hard worker. I helped organize a going away shindig for one of my teachers this past week and she thanked me and said how much of a joy I was to have in her class and that she felt I brought so much to the class. It made me feel so accomplished. I felt great that she thought so highly of me and liked what I brought to class. I had to pull two all nighters to get all my work done for a couple classes and still managed to be able to get my stuff done at work and I wasn't even sure that I was going to be able to do it, I definitely was feeling worn down and like I was going to collapse. This little break I have before summer school starts will be greatly appreciated, but anyway I'm just becoming more aware of what kind of person I am, and I like what I'm seeing. I feel great and I feel like even though things have been really hard and not very pleasant at times that I am making it anyway.

So, this leads to the title of my blog. I'm really frustrated with the actions of some people in my life. I feel like I've been working so hard and I've been trying to save money I went and applied for an apartment this weekend and I'm being responsible and motivating myself and doing what I feel needs to be done. Where as a certain person in particular is dead set on what I can only call "living his or her life". I don't know how to make it anymore clear or plain to this person that in August everyone in this house is moving, and if you don't get your shit together you'll be living on the street! I'm working hard to do what I can do to not only help myself but help this person but one thing that I have learned very well from past experiences in my life is that if someone isn't ready to help themselves then there is nothing that I can do to help them. It's like talking to a brick wall some days. I just feel like I've been telling this person since February that I am planning on moving in August and if they want to be my roommate then by May 1st they needed to have another job that is year around and more stable than the one that they have now. It pisses me off that this person didn't even start applying for jobs until the end of April for the most part. It pisses me off that this person thinks that applying for one or maybe three jobs online is making an effort, and "trying". NO IT'S NOT!!! Everyone who has had to look for a job knows that first off it usually takes like three months to find one, secondly every job you apply for there are going to be a lot of other people applying for it so the more you apply the better your chances are of being called back, thirdly everyone gets out of school in May and June, that means that kids that are away at school come home and they swoop up summer jobs. If you find the job ahead of time even if it's only going to last through the end of August at least at this point you can be saving money and looking for something better. I'm just really, really, angry right now and I hate being angry at this person because I do love and care about them. But I hate that this person seems to not understand how serious this situation is and how much of an attitude they get when someone questions how much effort they are putting into looking for a job. I'm sorry but if someone told me that if I didn't find a job by a certain date that I was going to be homeless I would do everything that I could from that second forward to look for a job I'm not going to wait until I only have a month left, I'm not going to wait until the last minute, I'm not going to go hang out with my friends, on a weekday when I don't have anything else to do and could be looking for employment. I'm just tired of this irresponsible mindset and I'm not going to apologize for being coarse or down right mean anymore. I'm doing what I need to do, now this person needs to get off of their ass and make an effort to do what they need to do. I'm tired of having to juggle bills and have to put off paying things because even though this person is supposed to be taking care of it, they don't or can't because they don't have a job that gives them enough hours to pay for it. I'm tired of having to feed this person and drive this person around and use my gas up and for them to not be able to pitch in. If this person was a child or even a teenager I would say ok, but this person is a grown ass adult and needs to start acting like it before they get a really rough and unpleasant reality check.

Hell In A Hand Basket

I don't even know what to say about kids nowadays. What I do know is that when I see mess like this it makes me happy that I don't have any. I think a lot of parents out there do not take the responsibility of raising children seriously, then you end up with little ignorant ass children like this one. It's just sad, don't bring a child into the world if you're not going to attempt to be a good role model and instill values and discipline into that child....







As for this clip here. I'm not sure if this guy is on something, like crack, for example, but this was pretty funny the first time I saw it. It's a response to the above video. Enjoy....

I Can't Stop Listening To...