Let's see back in January of 2002 I was 18 years old. I wrote the following entry in my diary back then. It's amazing to me that 6 years ago I was so enlightened and yet I have still been through the things that I've been through. Why hasn't 24 year old Kris listened to what 18 year old Kris new, way back then. A lot, so much has changed since I have written this. I have been "in love" once since then, something that I wasn't sure would ever happen. I'm definitely not a virgin anymore but all of those feelings that I emoted then are back. I wish I would have known then what I know now, and I would've known that I had it right back then and instead of believing that maybe I was being too cynical I wish I would have just trusted myself then.
January 18, 2002
I'll never marry. Not any man. I've known men too intimately. I've witnesed their infidelities, and I've helped them to it. Unzipped and Unhooked and agreed to clandestine maneuvers. I've been accomplice, commited premeditated crimes. I'm guilty of having caused deliberate pain to other women. I'm vindictive and cruel, and I'm capable of anything.
I admit, there was a time when all I wanted was to belong to a man. To wear that gold band on my left hand and be worn on his arm like an expensive jewel brilliant in the light of day. Not the sneaking around I did in different bars that all looked the same, red carpets with a black grillwork design, flocked wallpaper, wooden wagon-wheel light fixtures with hurricane lampshades a sick amber color like the drinking glasses you get for free at gas stations.
Dark bars, dark restaurants then. And if not my apartment, with toothbrush firmly planted in the toothbrush holder like a flag on the North Pole. The bed so big because he never stayed the whole night. Of course not.
Borrowed. That's how I've had my men. Just the cream skimmed off the top. Just the sweetest part of the fruit, without the bitter skin that daily living with a spouse can rend. They've come to me when they wanted the sweet meat then.
So, no. I've never married and never will. Not because I couldn't, but because I'm too romantic for marriage. Marriage has failed me, you could say. Not a man exists who hasn't disappointed me, whom I could trust to love the way I've loved. It's because I believe too much in marriage that I don't. Better to not marry than live a lie."
-from "Never Marry A Mexican" by Sandra Cisneros
It's really a wonderful short story it'll keep your attention the entire time. It's full of sex, love, deciet and all of those things that are for some reason interesting to read about. I've never been in the exact positions that she has mainly because I'm a virgin but I have hurt girls intentionally kissing their boyfriends at my locker and not caring who saw. Knowing that some girl believes that he is being faithful to them and hearing him call me beautiful, sexy, and all that he wants in that moment. It has been extremely hard to say no sometimes. But I knew that it would mean nothing and as Cisneros said I'm too much of a romantic to believe that I can give my body to someone and it won't mean anything but a piece of ass to him. I don't know if I'll ever get married it does seem as if you can not trust men, boys, whatever you want to call them. I've hoped that maybe the older they get the more mature they will be and they will stop playing these games that tear my heart out of me everytime but none of the "boys" neither older or the same age as myself have proven this theory yet. I'm tired of giving my heart out I'm tired of opening up and having all of the love that I could give and have all of the passion and warmth that I have inside of me thrown back in my face. What is wrong with me? I don't see anything in particular. They just don't realize how much I could give them. I don't want anything back just his honest and true love his heart his mind his soul all I want is all of him. I want everything and I don't think it's too much to ask for. When I am in love I am willing to give everything that I have my soul my mind my body anything that he wants he could have and they have yet to realize this. What do I have to do? I'm tired and I'm not going to look anymore and I'm not taking anymore offers I don't care how nice how fine how caring and sincere he may seem unless by some drastic wave of luck he can persuade me that he is true I don't want him.
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