Text Messaging

Txt Mssg: I slept til 3:30..... your mother is having a mental crisis right now. im not in control of my emotions or anything else. im stressed & ready 2 bow out.

Received at 10:24pm in response to a text that I sent to my mother on a completely unrelated topic. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???? I seriously want someone to tell me. Since I was in middle school my mother has been dealing with mental illness. She was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar back then. Yes, I now work in the mental health industry but I swear even twelve to thirteen years later I still feel like that same kid. She's still my mother. I can't diagnose her, I can't treat her, I can't look at her struggles objectively. Whenever she says shit like that I just think about her laying in the bed, not going to work, and the results which were always that we ended up being homeless or evicted or both. I can't do it anymore. I've spent almost fifteen years of my life trying to be sympathetic and empathetic to my mothers mood swings, depression, anger, and violence. Life is not fair. I know this and I could have a much worse life. I've just come to the conclusion though that I can't control hers and I can't live hers for her. And no matter how well I do, no matter how focused I am, no matter how I try to show her that life is what you make of it. It doesn't matter because she is the same person and in my opinion a somewhat Borderline Personality. When you're dealing with people who are Borderline some things are so hard to change and at the age that my Mom is and with how long she has been going through the same bullshit just a different day it's STUPID of me to believe that she is going to stop playing the victim that she is going to stop blaming everyone else but herself for her problems, that she is going to stop being manipulative and making others feel guilty and shameful, that she is going to stop putting blame on others and making them feel bad for asking for common courtesy of her. It is unlikely, not intelligent, and counterproductive for me to believe that somehow I can fix this. I can't fix it. I love my mother I always will but I have to get away from her. I have to do that so that I can like my mother, so that I can let go of this animosity that is building up in me again. The same animosity that I got rid of years ago. I started with a clean slate with her because I chose to and through the grace of God he gave me the strength to let go of everything that happened when I was younger. He helped me to use the knowledge that I have accumulated over the last fifteen years and realize that during those hard times, that wasn't the mother that I know and love, that was the illness. I just have to get away from her so that I can get back to that place because I'm really not there right now. I'm in grad. school full time I'm working full time. I'm starting my life and if I want to stay the positive person that I have worked Soooooooooooooooooooooo hard to become and continue to grow and believe that I do have the potential to have a good life, then I can't stay here I have to move on or I'm only going to be moving backwards. I can't fix this, I have to let it go.