As I've stated before, I'm currently in the counseling program on the community agency track at George Mason University in their Education Department. It's amazing to me firstly, that soooo many of the students there are females. I promise you I have entire classes where there are 20 some students and there may be 0 guys. If there are guys there are only about 1 or 2. I don't think I've had a class yet with more than 2 guys in it. Another thing that is amazing to me is how many of the students are married, whether for many years, or recently, or engaged. A lot of the students are parents some of the older students who are going back to school have grown children where as those who are around my age are new parents. It's very interesting to me sometimes to see people who obviously have similar and sometimes the same interests (at least career wise) that I do, who have such different lives than I do.
I'm currently taking a Human Development class. We speak a lot about development of course but we talk about issues that are very interesting at times. Just this week we had a conversation about racism and discrimination. Sometimes it's interesting to me to see how naive people are about the amount of racism that still exists in this country. Other times it is very interesting to me to see how informed some people are. One thing in particular that was of interest to me was how defensive some people can get. I can understand if you disagree with a scientist or author or researcher or doctor, etc., etc., etc., who is making a blanket statement. Believe me as a black person if anyone can understand the disapproval, anger, and defensiveness that comes along with having someone make a blanket statement about your race, it's me. But I think a lot of times in those scenarios a person may need to look within themselves and make completely sure that the level of defensiveness isn't coming from a place that is not ready to accept a flaw or an aspect of your character. For instance if someone says oh I can't stand how all black people want something for free and don't work for anything. I would get very upset about this it is a blanket statement no differentiation no explanation of why this person feels this way. But if someone said I don't understand why so many black people that I have come into contact with want something for free and don't want to work for anything. I don't take offense to that. I can't get mad at your observations. I can't get mad at your opinion based on your experiences. That doesn't even make sense! With a statement like that it leaves room for me to step up and say well I'm a black person and while free is my favorite price I enjoy working and receiving the benefits of working hard. In saying that I show you something that you may have not witnessed before. Now when this person speaks maybe they will say well I've met a lot of black people who were like this.... but I know that all black people are not like that. One person in particular was rather adamant about her background and her knowledge and etc. That's all in well but what I really wanted to say to her was that no matter what you do in life no matter who is in your family and no matter what you think you know, you will never, ever, know in this lifetime what it is like to be a black person in America. And in saying that you can not ever tell me what messages or concepts have been passed down and taught to black people whether directly or in an indirect way. I don't think anyone who tells a young black person that they have to work ten times as hard just to get half as far is doing that person a disservice. It may not be true in every black persons life but in all honesty what does it hurt to tell someone to expect the worst and hope for the best. All that person is doing is giving that young person encouragement to work hard and to not take anything for granted. Other races in this country understand it well, as well. I think in this one particular persons want to differentiate herself and prove that this particular article was wrong and that I as a black person speaking about my personal FACTUAL experiences didn't know what I was talking about... just served to prove the point of the author. She was so defensive and dare I say hostile in a way that she did make herself seem to be the very quote that she was trying to protest.
We have many interesting conversations in my class. We've been talking about the stages of development since the class began and we will continue to do so. I must say it interests me that in some theories they talk about the age group that I fit in. In this age group people are supposed to be looking for companionship and love and etc. We move past our childhood stages of being very selfish and curious and learning all of the concrete aspects of life and move into the idea of hey I don't think I wanna be alone. It's very interesting. I think we can all agree that no matter what kind of relationship you do or don't want, no one wants to be alone. Even if you have a tight family unit and great friends to rely on, I think we all have that need for something more. We all want to find a connection with someone. Some of us just want a physical connection some of us want the whole package but none the less we all want something that we can not get from our family and friend units.
When learning about this stuff it really has made me wonder, how the different events of our lives frame how we go about this stage. Some people know right off the bat that they want to be married by 25, they want X amount of children, they want to be successful, give back to the community, and participate in activities that make their life interesting. While others just know that if they wake up tomorrow and go in to their current job make a few dollars and then chill with their crew they'll be good to go. It really is amazing when you really sit and think about it. There are so many people in this world and somehow (even though the divorce rate is 50% in this country) so many people are in the right place at the right time and meet an individual that they after a short or long period of time can see themselves with for the rest of their lives and make commitment to attempt to do that. Craziness! I think the idea of relationships, and love, and passion, and commitment, and feelings, interests me so much because to me it is one of the biggest signs that God must exist. We walk around aimlessly and somehow meet a person that makes you want to be a better person, that brings you joy even when you're mad at each other, that you want to make babies with, and travel and see the world with, that you tell all your secrets to, even some of the ones that you didn't think you were ready to admit to yourself. There has to be a God, because how else can you explain an experience that can be so random actually working out for as many as it does work out for.
That whole area has always been such a mystery to me. I think mainly because my parents have always been divorced. At least for as much as I can remember. It happened when I was about 4 or 5 I guess. So when I think back I can't really remember my parents being "together". I can remember them in the same house and what not but I never saw that relationship. My father has remarried twice since then. The first time to one of the tricks he cheated on my mother with. So you already can gather that no one was looking to that relationship as an example of how they should be. The last time to his current wife who is only a few years older than my brother, who is only two years older than I am. Sooooooooooo yeah. Then my mother had one real boyfriend that we knew about who I hated because to me he was an immature asshole. Which I figured out at the age of 6 or so. LOL! So no examples there. I had what I would call my first encounter with a "relationship" when I was about 5. His name was Aaron he was a little blonde hair blue eyed boy that lived across the street. We played together, had dinner together, naptime together. It was probably the most stable relationship I've ever had. Which is soooo sad to say I know. Third grade when I was 8 I had a "boyfriend" and we were "together" until the end of Fifth grade when I moved. I guess that was my longest relationship to date, LOL! After that we moved so much and those awkward years kicked in or the fat years as I call them and there wasn't much in the way of prospects for me. The end of high school brought the beginning of the shedding of the "baby fat" as Mom called it and some flirtations and what not that were exciting at the time but didn't turn into anything. College brought my first REAL boyfriend but even that relationship was screwed from the jump. He was on the rebound, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and all though I still have love for him and he's cool people that whole situation was a train wreck. College continued with me having to transition from being unnoticed and unaware to being front and center, persued, and having to learn quickly that everyone does not have your best interest at heart. Especially a college guy with a twenty four hour erection and the only qualification for putting it in something was that you were female. College did bring me the first person I was ever in love with though. That was a great experience for what it was worth. It ended horribly like most other situations I've been in. But at least I realized that something like that could happen. It was definitely an eye opener. When I returned home it seems like all of the instances instead of getting better with age have just gotten WEIRDER! I've had a guy break up with me at 4am while I was at work never to hear from him again, I've had a steady "booty call" that was three hours away and achieved that elusive place that most guys say that girls can't get to where. Where you just resolve within yourself that this person is there for conversation and going out from time to time to eat, or a movie but there are not strings attached you get yours he gets his and you call it a day. I've had so many absolute losers approach me it's rediculous. It is amazing to me how so many guys either have shit to show for themselves and then want to act like you're the one who is being a bitch. Well I'm not going to apologize for going to college and getting a job where I am on salary and have benefits. I'm not going to apologize for continuing my education, for taking pride in being able to buy my own car and rent my own apartment and not having to put anyone else's name on shit but my own. I'm not going to apologize for having dreams and being ambitious and knowing what I want in that aspect of my life. And I'm damn sure not going to apologize for wanting a guy who has some of those things going for himself. Anyone who has read my blog or that knows me can see that I'm not unreasonable. If you have some goals if you have things in the works if you are trying I can work with that. But don't approach me with no job no ambition to get a job driving your Mom's car and spending your friends money and call me a bitch when I turn you down. I'm allowed to have standards. I'll be the first to admit while I definitely know what I don't want. I don't always know what it is that I do want. Some days I want to get married and have children and all that jazz. Other days I'd just be happy with a long term relationship and the possibility of kids and while others I don't want kids or anything that is too long lasting. But I am able to admit that. All of this is so interesting to me because you have no control over how you feel, who you fall for, who you don't like, and what not. Yeah you can try to make yourself open to new people or you can try to tell yourself that you don't have feelings for someone but on the inside you know what the truth is.
All of my close friends and my closest fam. know that this time last year I was super excited. I was so happy that if I saw myself right now a year ago I would want to strangle myself kind of happy. It wasn't because I had found the secret to happiness. It wasn't because I figured out what I want or had some type of promise for the future either. I was just happy because I was able to spend my free time with someone who I thought was an awesome person. I could be honest with this person, I could be mad at this person, I could be silly with this person. I could be myself, and I think this person felt comfortable enough to be himself with me as well. You don't have that kind of connection with someone everyday. I've known my brother for 25 years now, he knows every good and bad thing about me. I can fight with him and know that everything will still be cool tomorrow. But I've known him for 25 years, so that's something that I would expect. This person I'm talking about I literally felt like was my best friend after knowing him for 2 days. How crazy is that? But like all things it fell apart. I'm attempting now to salvage what I can of the friendship aspects. When it all first fell apart all I could think about was my pain and how much I was hurting. Then I was just angry, then sullen, then I didn't give a shit, then hurt again, and now I'm ok I think. It's hard to gauge though, because I don't have direct contact with this person on a regular basis. I'm curious to see what it is that I do feel at this point. I think part of what helped move me through those anger and sullen stages was the idea that I'm not an idiot and that all though my past relationships have led me to feel otherwise, I'm not defective. I guess I just tried to put myself in this persons shoes and just thought about all the good things that happened because I knew him and that he had to be feeling a loss as well and he had to feel conflicted and hurt maybe even angry or sullen at times as well. I wasn't the only one that was there, there for I can't be the only one who feels a loss. I just resolved within myself that the reasons don't really matter what is clear is the end result that all though things seemed bright and cool and dare I say, AWESOME, that despite that decisions were made and everything is different now.
I have a hard time with things that I feel like I don't have any control over. I don't need to be making all the decisions or be in complete control, but I guess in a lot of the "relationship" aspects of my life I haven't felt like an active contributor. It was like I was there but I could've been a bystander for the amount of input it seemed that I had. Although I think I am a great communicater, an awesome listener, and a good advice giver, in the situations that have upset me the most none of those skills were used. The other person did all the reasoning, and thinking, and rationalizing, and communicating within themself or with their friends and then I was just given a cut in dry this is how it's gonna be. It's very disempowering and a blow to someone who realizes that no relationship, friendship or otherwise is going to be completely equal but does expect even if it is naive of me to think that they will be equitous. And if things are equitous then that would mean that I would get to have my say and my views would at least be heard and weighed. I would at least be a part of the process. I believe in a personality test I took once it asked if you'd rather be loved or respected. I thought to myself duh I'd rather be loved, then I realized that's not true for me. These situations that I have been through have proven that to me. I'd much rather be respected. Of course I need to be loved too. Everyone does! But in these situations I did not feel like I was consulted or that my thoughts or feelings mattered and for me that equaled feeling disrespected. It's great how that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing works. Things really are always much clearer when you look back on them.
I think many aspects of my past are still cloudy, and they may remain that way for a very longtime even forever. Because some questions there just aren't any answers to, and some feelings don't go away. But at least for the future I realize where my weak spots are and flaws in my character that I can work on. Hopefully, I can learn from the experiences that I've had that it's not the end of the world to get stepped on a few times, and it doesn't even matter how many times you stay down, but as long as you get up, well then you are trying and sometimes that's all that you can do.
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