13

Thirteen Types... they all sound good to me!

I Never Thought I'd See A Resolution To This...

I don't think I thought that I would see a resolution to this in my lifetime. I'm glad that the family finally knows what happened. I know when this happened I wasn't even born yet, but I remember how much this one case did change the way that police looked for children, and that it made the reality of how easily a child could be taken common knowledge to the parents out there who thought not my child.

Now That's How You Make A Statement...

Confused, read this article.... Crikey Clarifier: Shoe throwing ... it's an Arab thing

All I Want For Christmas.....

Some Bull-ISH

This commercial pisses me off to no end. Why? Well because I've only seen it on BET or when a show that is viewed by a predominantly African American/Black audience is supposedly watching. I think that is stereotypical and it promotes the idea that the only way that you can get a black person to buy a frickin' chicken nugget is to make the commercial look like a "typical" R&B or Hip Hop video. BULL-ISH!!! I don't see them making a country music McDonald's commercial and putting it on CMT. So why is ok to market a commercial that is obviously supposed to attract the black population in one of the most stereotypical ways possible. The only way it could've been worse is if they had a bottle of malt liquor and a slab of watermelon in the background. Or if they showed the chick ordering from McDonald's asking for a fucking grape soda!




Reminds me of this commercial... which is fake and basically making the same argument that I am...

Finally...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's a sigh of relief! LOL! I'm not done with the semester quite yet but I'm almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so tired though and I still got to keep my head in the game for another two weeks, but at least it's almost done!

I'm trying to plan myself a week of rest in January, hopefully in Florida, with my best buddy!

Argue If You'd Like...

Proof:

~ Men historically ask women to marry them

~Men are thought of as having to sow their wild oats before they settle down

~Men will state that a woman did nothing wrong in a relationship but that they weren't ready for commitment and there for they had to end it

~Men state that their ideal woman is independent and can take care of herself, has goals for herself, and has or is accomplishing something with her life

~Men can identify several women, every time they step out of their home that could potentially be the one

~Men commit when they feel it not before not after


Where As:

~How many women can you name, or that you know of, have refused/turned down a marriage proposal? (In cases where the man was not crazy or a stalker)

~A gold digger is always in a relationship (one form or another) and the independent woman is more likely single

~A woman who has slept with ___ amount of men is thought of as promiscuous or not the type of woman a man wants to have a relationship with, and may be branded "a jump off"
(I left a space because the number really does depend on the man for some it can be 2 for others 50)

~Women will attempt to "fix" a relationship or will attempt to "work with" a man that does not meet all of her standards if the foundation of the relationship is solid and he has potential

~Women can identify several men who solely want to get into their pants, are old enough to be their father, or have several babies mama's and are not taking care of any of their kids, every time they step out of their house

~Women could potentially commit to any man at any time based on the situation and the potential for success

~Women will stay in an abusive relationship or a relationship with a lack of balance because of fear of not finding someone else or someone better



So what does this prove?

It proves that even though women are consistently told that they have the power in a relationship to direct things and to "get what they want", the fact of the matter is that 9 times out of 10 it is the man that has the real power. More often than not it is because we as women are willing to be more flexible, vulnerable, and willing to change the rules or the standards that we have made for ourselves.


Ain't that a bitch!

Just Friends???

There was a message board on MSN.com talking about can men and women be friends. I think we've talked this topic in to the ground to be honest. The fact of the matter is that it all depends. It depends on the situation and the circumstances surrounding the "friendship". Anyway here's what my two cents was...

Men and women can be friends exclusively. I think that most people when answering this question have to take into consideration that men and women, more often than not, think differently. Most women can see a guy as just a platonic friend, they kind of cross over into the he's like a brother to me zone. I can't speak for a man because I am not a man. But I do believe that men can be strictly friends with females as well. From what I gathered the hardest thing for a man is not thinking with his little head and instead thinking with his brain. (But that is not exclusive to this scenario. ) So for men it may be more difficult but if the woman is set in that he is just a friend in most cases his want to have sex with her will eventually become less and less or completely disappear over time. Unless he is in love with her of course in which case if they can not be "together" then they probably can not be friends.

The hardest obstacle for either sex is attraction. If you are not attracted to the person, which doesn't mean you think they are ugly or that you don't like their personality, but that their specific looks and personality is not what you are looking for in a significant other, or you are not interested in anything but a friendship with them, then it is easy to be friends.

A lot of the issue that comes up in this argument though, is the issue of ulterior motives. A man or woman being friends with someone because they are hoping that a relationship will arise, or a man or woman being friends with someone solely because they hope to have sex with them at some point, are of course going to be exceptions to men and women being friends. Someone who only focuses on a man or a woman as a potential sex buddy though isn't the kind of friend that most people I know would want to have anyway.

Those of us who are adults and mature however can see the logic and the benefit of having friends of the same sex and of the opposite sex. You get a different perspective, support, and rationale when dealing with a problem or subject. If you're a girl like me that only grew up with a brother, you may be more inclined to think of guys on a friend level than someone who had a different experience. If you have a brother as your only friend for those key developmental years it is going to be much easier to get along with guys in the first place. There doesn't have to be anything sexual between you two, because you have already learned how to if even on the basic level communicate and relate to a man in a non-sexual way. So you may be apt to have more male friends than female friends.


Of course the idea of ex's being friends is a slippery slope. It really does depend on what kind of relationship you had, how you broke up, why you broke up, and whether or not BOTH parties are content with just being friends. Otherwise it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that it wouldn't work.

I Am...

I found this poem online and I've had it on my myspace profile for quite some time now. When I first read it, it was like someone wrote it about me...


I am a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend.

I am a partner, a student, a young girl, and a grown woman.

I am confident and scared, terrified and excited.

I am loving and caring, and thoughtful, and hopeful.

I am sick and tired.

I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless.

I am broken and whole.

I am misunderstood, misguided, and mislead.

I am hardworking and determined, but a little scared on the inside.

I wish on stars, and dream my dreams.

I pray to God and cry my tears.

I smile on the outside, while I'm dying on the inside.

I listen to others who won't listen to me.

I walk on eggshells, and I walk on fire.

I believe in passion, but not true love.

I love you and I push you away.

I want you but not so close.

I am everything and nothing all at once, and all I want is for you to love me.

Last night was one of those defining nights for me. It was Thanksgiving. I understand somewhere in my mind that I don't have the "normal" family that others have. I mean the type of family that fights and loves each other and may get into little tiffs over the holidays but overall have a great time with one another. Other times I think that I forget that and then when things happen I am quickly reminded and brought back to reality. I ended up walking out of my Mom's house and going home very angry last night. I slept most of the day because I worked Monday through Saturday last week had Sunday off and then worked Monday through Wednesday. I am trying to get my last few projects and research papers done for the semester as well. I am also working today (Friday) tomorrow and then will be off Sunday so that I can work Monday through Saturday again next week. It's not easy by any means but I'm still trying to be sociable and get along with my Mom. I loaned her money, so we could have a Thanksgiving dinner together. As I said I slept most of the day yesterday so that when I woke up I could be in the mood to go sit and eat dinner with her and hopefully be some what cordial and upbeat. Firstly, she didn't have dinner ready until after 8. We went to visit my Grandmother for awhile and then went over to her house. When the food still wasn't ready I have to admit I was a little peeved. I had only eaten some Apple Jacks that day and I was starving. I attempted to hold that to myself and even offered to help her finish up a few things if she wanted me to. While we were eating she was trying to talk to me about the person that I'm currently dating. I understood that she was just trying to make conversation but I was hungry and I just wanted to eat. I just told her things were fine but I didn't really elaborate. I just don't see the need just because we are sitting in a room together to always be talking to one another. I think one reason why Jeff (my brother) and I are such good room mates and have always been is because we have a great friendship. No matter how angry I get with him and believe me I really get angry with him. Especially, when I feel like he's not pulling his weight and everything is falling on me. (Which is how I feel right now to be honest). But anyway, we are capable of sitting together and watching tv or reading or doing whatever and not talking to one another. Neither one of us feels the need to fill up the space in the room with conversation just for the sake of talking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting together especially if you're tired or just not in the mood to talk. Well apparently my mother took this to heart. She waits until my brother goes outside to put some things in the car. Then says to me that she won't be calling me anymore because everytime she calls me I'm too busy to talk or I don't want to talk. And that I say that she always talks about herself and changes the subject but when she was trying to talk to me about my "friend" tonight that I didn't want to talk. So she won't be talking to me unless I call her and talk to her or some bullshit like that. Firstly, Monday through Friday I work for 8 to 10 hours of the day, I also go to school for three hours three days a week. She always calls me when I am at work driving with residents in my car or when I am inbetween places trying to wrap up things at one site so I can get to the other. It is not my fault that I don't have a desk job where I am free to conversate with her whenever she feels like it. She also calls me right when I'm going into class or when I've just gotten out. I won't apologize for working from 10am to 6pm and then sitting in class from 7:20 until 10:00pm and not feeling like answering the phone to talk while I'm driving home or when I've just walked in the house at quarter til 11. I did not feel like talking at dinner, why, because I was fucking tired. Yes I slept most of the day but by the time we ate and what not I was ready to go back home and go to sleep. I'm sorry if I don't behave like the "typical" 25 year old who has energy for days. But it also doesn't help that as soon as we walked in the door to her house she was already complaining. I am sorry but I hear enough fucking complaining at my job. She was complaining about not having this or not having that or not being able to cook this a certain way or some person at work that's doing this or that. BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!! That's all the fuck I heard. I am sorry if I do not have a lot of patience these days, but I'm not fucking super woman. I never claim to be. I think I'm pretty great to handle all the things that I have and do on a daily basis. I've just come to the conclusion that she will never understand that or be able to remover her head from up her own ass long enough to realize the logistics of some one else's life. I've decided that I'll just take a break from her for awhile. I'm so happy that I don't live with her anymore that I don't know what to do. I am truly, truly, truly, thankful this year for that!

So In Love...

~AND MY HEAD KEEPS SPINNIN CAN'T STOP HAVIN THESE VISIONS I GOT TO GET WITH IT OHHOO OHHOO OHHHHOOOO! ~

I'm so in love with Kanye West. Not personally, but with his music! I'm wondering if people are going to like the new CD? It's definitely different, but it just really speaks to me right now. I think it's GREAT!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

Ladies You Aren't As Crazy As You Thought...

Don't get me wrong most of us are still pretty bonkers, some much more than others. I read this article today though that may give you a little boost if you were doubting your intuitive skills or soundness of mind in particular situations. For once it really is them and not you...

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

SO EXCITED!!!

I've been listening to Heartless, Coldest Winter, and In My Nightmares by Kanye West all week. I can't wait for his new joint to drop! I'm so excited! It's going to be crazy good! But what I'm really looking forward to is being able to see him perform it. The subject matter is serious! When I saw him in the Glow in the Dark tour that shit was "point of view changing"! I can't imagine if that was so intense, how intense he will be performing these songs.

Givers VS Takers

Very interesting stuff you can find the source here... Givers VS Takers

Givers VS Takers

How can you tell the difference between "Givers" and "Takers"? Here's a simple listing.

Givers	Takers
Why shouldn't I help?	Why should I help?
Don't question motivations	Ask "I wonder what they want?"
Ask, "How will this benefit others?"	Ask, "What's in it for me?"
Releasing	Controlling
Finds power and peace in spiritual wisdom	Finds power and peace in externals and things
Willing to be servants	Must be "lords"
Follows the flow with insight	Appears "In control"
Rolls with the punches	Easily overwhelmed
Love unconditionally	"Love" conditionally
High capacity for pain	Low capacity for pain
Bear pain silently and with patience	Whiners
Seldom call attention to themselves	Braggarts
Live confidently, day by day	There's "always something..." to worry about
May be left "holding the bag"	"Squeaky Clean"
Pick up after themselves	Leave damage and behind in them
Sharers	Collectors
What can I do for them?	What's in it for me?
Invest in people	Invest in selves
Willing to give virtually unlimited resources	In need of virtually unlimited attention and support
Dependable	Dependent
No time table	Time, schedules closely monitored
Flexible, open to sudden changes	"Too busy"
No expectation of return	Tit-for-tat
Simply give for the joy of it	Pre-occupied with facade of "gratitude"
Help people change their own lives	Change people's lives for their own ends
Committed to others	Committed to self
Support	Undermine
Energize	Drain energies
Seek opportunities	Seek personal comfort
Constructively critical	Judgmentally critical
Do for themselves and others	Do for themselves only what others won't do for them
Doesn't "use" others to a fault	Manipulative
Releasing	Controlling
Agenda is announced, overt, and open to scrutiny	Cleverly hidden agenda
Trusting of leaders	Distrust any and all leaders
Help unconditionally	Help given until angered
Trusting, able to give the benefit of a doubt	Suspicious, untrusting
Concerned with the essential and important	Perfectionistic and controlling
Defensive/Supporting	Offensive/Attacking
Can face and work through pain	Fear of pain and suffering
Listeners	Needy talkers
Flexible	Live by schedules
Share comfort, confidence	Share discomfort, fear
Gospel-Driven	Legalistic
On spiritual pilgrimage	Resist spiritual transformation
Worships God by giving life as a living sacrifice to God	Worships God according to their own set procedure, schedules, and manner
Forgive, forget, and come back supportive	Don't forgive unless they have to
Spontaneous, fun-loving	Rigid, rule-enforcer
Willing to "break the rules" to show compassion	Live, fight and die by "principles" and "rights"
Willingly give up their own agenda for others	Will stop at nothing to get their way
Focus on becoming transformed for God's purposes	Focus on conforming others to themselves
Concerned with the important	Concerned with the urgent
Willing to pay the price for others' well-being	Make others pay the price for their desires, needs, wants
Permeable boundaries	Impermeable, rigid boundaries
Doers	Whiners
Proactive	Reactive
They come, assist, and when done, leave no "silver bullet" behind	"Humbly" seek "deserved" attention, affection, reward and recognition for efforts
Willing to wash feet, take out trash, do dirty work	Refuse to submit to demeaning tasks below their dignity
Focus on helping others achieve their goals	Focused on titles, position
They can be ignored as long as people aren't hurt	Always must make a point and be heard no matter what the cost
Help facilitate great healing	Cause much pain
Patient	Impatient
No shows	Overly polite, mannerly
Help when others hurt	Cause helpers hurt
Shed tears, feel deep grief when hurt	Don't talk, trust or feel
Accept responsibility for their own behavior	Mercilessly project responsibility and blame on others
Survivors	Victims
Submit to God's will	God is Aladdin's Lamp
Reality-based	Fantasy-driven "If only..."
"Things" just aren't that important	Materialistic
People are important	My things are important
Internally driven by "grace" values	Externally driven
Welfare-of-others conscious	Status conscious
Expansive	Territorial
Not appearance conscious (e.g. weight, height, clothes, figure, hair, coordination, flashiness)	Hyper-conscious and hyper-sensitive to appearance
Attention tends to be deflected away	Draw attention to themselves by things (jewelry, cars, homes, et al)
Do all they can to protect and uphold their neighbor's welfare	Pre-occupied with comparing others' wealth, benefits, possessions to their own
Generous	Covetous
Spenders	Savers
Utilize all available resources	"Squirrel" things
Maintain confidences, appropriate communication	Gossip, innuendo, behind the back conversations are characteristic
No need for secrets	Keep secrets
Give gifts freely	Gifts have strings attached
Relationship unconditional	Relationship is conditional
Want to reach out	Don't want to get involved
Concerned	Aloof
"I'll be there if you need me"	"See ya!"
Willingly works even amid unfair treatment and conditions	Always expects "something for nothing"
Will undergo humiliation and pain to assist others	Avoid embarrassment and risk for others
Always growing	"Stuck"
Encourages others growth	Restricts others growth
Mistakes are the path to growth	Condemns, punishes mistakes
Don't need to be asked	Appreciate being asked and needed
Takes care of self and others	"Take care of me"
Sensitive and genuinely empathetic to other's pain	Insensitive to other's pain, needs
Is always there for friends, acquaintances, strangers, and even foes	Resists reciprocation of support, sacrifice
Seeks reconciliation	Seeks revenge
Seeks ways to provide help	Helpless: "I can't do it by myself!"
Goes out of their way	Just "too busy"
Performs well even under pressure	Tendency toward overwhelm
If it's not yours, respect it	"Take it and run"
Have learned the "secret" of contentment	"Make me feel good!" (food, money, attention, sex, religion, et al)
Seeks constructive, positive means to achieve goals through genuine dialogue and constructive conflict	Starts fights and perpetuates unrest but longs for "peace"
Always satisfied, but looking for new opportunities for growth	Never content, but unwilling to seek growth opportunities
Future-Oriented	Past-And-Immediate-Present Oriented
Words and promises have meanings	Words and promises can't be trusted
Keeps promises	"Intends" to keep promises
Direct	Indirect
Cooperative	Demanding
Sharing, Open	Controlling
Calls for teamwork for benefit of others	Call for "Teamwork" only for their benefit
Patient	Impatient
Mature	Immature
Sharing	Selfish
Faith is a truly permeating heart-and-soul reality	"Faith" is a shallow external facade
Approachable	Unapproachable
Submits to God's will to be done	High/unrealistic expectations of others to do things the right (i.e. "their") way
Love-driven	Fear-driven
Release everything to God's plan	If you can't control it, kill it!
What will be will be good	What will be will be (fatalistic)
Gospel-Driven	Law-Driven

Givers:

1) Givers provide and inject energy and enthusiasm.

2) Givers are positive thinkers with a vision for the future.

3) Givers have a capacity for risk, pain and enduring through the long haul.

4) Givers uphold, encourage and support others.

5) Givers trust leaders.

6) Givers are committed and accustomed to sacrifice, sometimes great sacrifice.

7) Givers are able to spot needs and fill them.

8) Givers require minimum support for maximum effectiveness.

9) Givers reciprocate trust and confidence.

10) Givers respect others and take relationships and people seriously.

A Warning To Givers Regarding Takers

No matter how much counseling, intervention, help, support and teamwork one offers to the "nice" taker, the taker will eventually and inevitably reject the giver once the givers gift is no longer wanted, needed, or deemed important.

The Vintage "Taker"

"Taker"'s can take all kinds of forms, but the common denominator is they are individuals who cry "unfair" or whine about being "victimized."

Not everyone gives or takes for the same reason. Instead, there are four basic combinations of "giver" and "taker" variables.

#1 Givers Who Give: The most altruistic of the four possibilities, givers who give are generous to a fault. No matter what they do, they just can't be paid back. Their value system, their faith, and their inclination is such that whatever they have they just want to give as freely, frequently and sacrificially as they can. It is what gives them joy.

#2 Givers Who Take: These include those who give for selfish reasons. They give to get. Whenever they give, they have strings attached. At first, recipients of their gifts, services, etc. may be enthralled, surprised, shocked or bewildered. But it doesn't take too long to see that the giving had a price tag attached. Often this can be a hideous, hypocritical sham of generosity. Their joy is not in giving. It is in controlling through often well-executed "bribes."

#3 Takers Who Give: This kind of taker is direct, appreciative and accepting of gifts, appreciation, honors, recognition, power, etc. They feel deserving of gifts, wages, bonuses and benefits. They will even fight tooth and nail to preserve their rights to receive what they have rightfully earned. However, once the rewards are in their possession, they give freely as #1's with no strings attached.

#4 Takers Who Take: This simply describes one as self-centered as #2, but who really cares very little (if at all) about anyone else's welfare, needs, etc. Taking all they can get, they hoard possessions, wages, services, et al. Of course, the more that is hoarded, the better it can be hidden behind a facade of very nice homes, cars, dress, jewelry, and other impressive titles, etc.

Insatiably driven to take more, the most sophisticated #4's seek and use anyone by any means possible to gain what they want. The more powerful and controlling they become, the more taking they do and the more people get taken and destroyed. Unfortunately in the Church, the more powerful they become they greater the facade they need to hide their "taking" agenda.

Of course, the greater the degree to which one's final objective is to take or give, one can expect greater use of taking or giving behaviors. Taking behaviors will also be characterized by a greater use of power plays or other controlling behaviors including intimidation, interrogation, poor-me, and/or aloof-ness.

For more information see. Ministry Health article #153 "Forty-Two Power Plays" and #63 "Four Types of Manipulators").

Givers: The Most Obvious Proof

Are you a "giver" or "taker?" The familiar words of Paul to the Corinthians comes to mind.

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion [as a "taker" does], for God loves a cheerful giver."
(II Corinthians 9:7 NIV emphasis added)

When You're Feeling It

I was looking through my cd's the other day and I found a bunch with no markings on them so I listened through a few to figure out what they were. WHAT IN THE HELL, possessed me to make the following cd? All I can say is that if you're upset and hurting sometimes you dwell in that feeling for awhile. It's amazing how even something that can be as simple as making a cd can turn into a full on expression of how you're feeling at the time. Needless to say this cd will be going to the bottom of the pile, possibly the trash. Not because the content isn't good. These songs are great, but they definitely are telling of the emotions I must have been feeling when I made it. I have tons of mixed cd's some with various themes others that just have whatever the latest stuff was out that I felt like listening to, but every now and then I'll come across a cd I made at a time of extreme happiness or sorrow. This would be an example of the latter....

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

Well, I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

-Alanis Morissette, You Oughta Know

Gave my best, gave my all
Forced me up against the wall
Tired of tryin to make it right
And I know it was wrong

And All along I close my eyes
To Things I should have realized
Still I fell for your disguise
And you saw my demise

(Chorus)
And I'm still standing here
Through my pain my sweat my tears
I still smile, cause it's alright
You did me cold but I survived

(x2)
I gave my best to you
Didn't I
Gave my best to you
Didn't I
Give my best to you
Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I?

Didn't I trust you man
Treat you like you were my king
Tried to help but you was on the sly

But I'm still standing here
Through my pain my sweat my tears
And I still smile, cause it's alright
You did me cold but I survived

No More
Using me
No More
Playing me
No More
Betraying me...
No, no, no, no

(x2)
Didn't I
Give my best to you
Didn't I
Give my best to you
Didn't I
Give my best to you
Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I?
- Leela James, Didn't I

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment

I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what's up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie

- Beyonce, Resentment

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

-Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

[Chorus:]
There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin

Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway

So come to bed It's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race

[Repeat chorus x3]

- Maroon 5, Shiver

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you

-Maroon 5, Through With You

[Keyshia]
You know who you are
Yea you

[Kayne]
Kanye West on the track by the way

[Keyshia]
Yea...
No, No

[Verse 1:]
There's this girl I know
so deep in love (in love)
Do almost anything
to make him see she's the one
but he doesn't feel a girl like her
He's so, so wrapped up
Cause the average girl
will give him anything he wants

[Pre-Chorus]
He's so caught up
He won't call her
He shows no love
So she decides

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Verse 2:]
It's the funniest thing cause I
know how I feel inside
but you never felt the same as I
(never, never, never, ohh)
I miss him so much
I bet you don't even notice
and he don't even realise
Cause he...

[Pre-Chorus]
He's so caught up
He won't call her
He shows no love
So she decides

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Bridge]
I'm so over you
got no more to give
I gave it all to you
and you couldn't handle it
and I don't care
if you come back to me on your knees
I just don't love you no more

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Kanye]
Stop

What you thinkin'
When you see me on the corner
and you see me hagin' out
Niggas on the block
don't care what it's all about

[Kanye]
And stop

What you thinkin'
when you see me comin through
and you see me with a nigga
on the corner til' 2

[Repeat chorus til song fade]

-Keyshia Cole, I Changed My Mind

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

-No Doubt, Don't Speak

I've been high I've been low
I've been fast I've been slow
I've had nowhere to go
Missed the bus missed the show
I've been down on my luck
I've felt like giving up
My life locked in a trunk
When it hurt way too much
I needed a reason to live
Some love inside me to give
I couldn't rest I had to keep on searching

Te busqué debajo de las piedras y no te encontré
En la mañana fría y en la noche te busqué
Hasta enloquecer
Pero tú llegaste a mi vida como una luz
Sanando las heridas de mi corazón
Haciéndome sentir vivo otra vez.

I've been too sad to speak and too tired to eat
Been too lonely to sing the devil cut off my wings
I've been hurt by my past but I feel the future

In my dreams and it lasts I wake up I'm not sure
I wanted to find the light something just didn't feel right
I needed an answer to end all my searching

I look in the mirror the picture's getting clearer
I wanna be myself but does the world really need her
I ache for this earth
I stopped going to church
See God in the trees makes me fall to my knees
My depression keeps building like a cup overfilling
My heart so rigid I keep it in the fridge
It hurts so bad that I can't dry my eyes
Cuz they keep on refillin' with the tears that I cry...

-Nelly Furtado, Te Busque

[Verse One]
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two ears full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

[Chorus]

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

-Tamia, Officially Missing You

Time on my hands
Since you been away boy
I ain't got no plans
No no no no
And the sound of the rain
Against my windowpane
Is slowly, is slowly drivin' me insane, boy

[Chorus:]
I'm goin' down
I'm goin' down
Cause you ain't around baby
My whole world's upside down

Sleep don't come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything's goin' wrong
Why'd you have to say goodbye
Look what you've done to me
I can't stop these tears from fallin' from my eyes
Ooh baby

[Chorus]

Oooh baby love
goin' down, goin' down
Mmm ooh I'm goin' down
Ooh I, I...

[Chorus]

Ooh, goin' down
Goin' down
Oh, I don't know what to do
If I ever lose you
I'll be goin' down
I said I'll be goin' down
Oh, please forgive me baby
I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
What did I do wrong?
I said, what did I do wrong?
Please forgive me baby
And come on home
Goin' down, goin' down, goin' down

-Mary J. Blige, I'm Goin Down

[Kelly P.] see I was the one who picked her up when so called friends let her down

[Ron I.] uh-huh

[Kelly P.] and I was the one who took her in when that fool put her out,
a true friend in deed
you see I was there when shit was goin down
but she betrayed me
I caught her with him comin in from outta town
tell me...

[chorus]
wh-y-y
wh-y-y
wh-y-y

[Kelly P.] Now I put my trust in him
I can't believe he slept with her behind my back
I went out on a limb
I even covered up to keep his thing in tact
What he had in me was sumthin real thats so hard to come about
But he betrayed me,
there was a photo and some laundry that I found

tell me...

[chorus]
wh-y-y
wh-y-y
wh-y-y

[Kelly P.] I put all my trust in you baby,

[Ron I.] ohh wh-y-y

[Kelly P.] (She was) she was my best friend (through what eva, what eva)
roll with me through thick and thin (my homie, my homie)
sistahs to the very end, and I-I-I (can't believe it, can't believe it, can't believe it)

[Ron I.] So just call him up,

[Kelly P.] No, I don't wanna, I don't wanna

[Ron I.] Call him babe

[Kelly P.] uh-unngh

[Ron I.] Call him

[Kelly P.] I'm callin, I'm callin, I'm callin

[ringing]

[R. Kelly] Hello?
Who's this?

[Ron I.] This is Mister Bigg

[R. Kelly] How you doin Mister Bigg?

[Ron I.] What da hell is goin on ?

[R. Kelly] What you mean whats goin wrong?

[Ron I.] Kelly's tellin me that you're sleepin wit anuva woman

[R. Kelly] Just because she sees me wit her doesn't mean I sleepin wit her

[Ron I.] Well if ya not sleepin wit her what da hell you doin wit her?

[R. Kelly] Damn I could be just talkin to her

[Ron I.] Or you could be just sleepin wit her
Now son, man to man, we both know tha game

[R. Kelly] Yeah but whats that..

[Ron I.] ...Wait a minute now you know all about heartache and pain,
this is my god daughter and I'm just tryin to protect her heart (don't waste your time)
you may have been a moon to her, but to me she's a star (why why why)
Kelly take this phone...

[Kelly P.] She was my best friend
you were my husband
oh but I don't want you no no no mo, said I don't want you no no no no mo

wh-y-y [until fade]

-Kelly Price, Friend of Mine (Remix)

You wanna make me sick;
You wanna lick my wounds,
Don't you, baby?
You want the badge of honor when you save my hide
But you're the one in the way
Of the day of doom, baby
If you need my shame to reclaim your pride
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; got off now, baby-
It wont be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand
You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It wont be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand

-Fiona Apple, Limp

We walked along the beach
What a moon lit night
He held my hands in his
He kissed me he said
I wanna spend my life with you
I want you for my wife
Just then I thought



Chorus:
What about the times you lied to me
What about the times you said no one would want me
What about all the shit you've done to me
What about that
What about that
What about the times you yelled at me
What about the times I cried
You wouldn't even hold me
What about those things
What about that
What about that



I took a pause
And then a deep sigh
He looked right into my eyes
As he said
I know I didn't say somethin' wrong
I didn't have the courage to say
But then I thought



Repeat Chorus

Oh

Chorus 2:

What about the times you hit my face
What about the times you kept on when I said
No more please
What about those things
What about that
What about that oh
What about the times you shamed me
What about the times when you said you didn't fuck
her
She only gave you head
What about that
What about that



Don't wanna live my life in misery
Don't tell me you did it 'cause you love me
I don't believe
I'm sick and tired
Your deceptive games
Wonder where
You have been
I can't live life wondering



My heart was poundin'
But the time had come
To stop lettin' my whisperin' heart control me
And tellin' my screamin' mind what to do
I looked him straight in the eye
And then I said

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus 2

Repeat Chorus

Repeat Chorus 2

-Janet Jackson, What About

Does Karma Really Exist?

"They say an eye for an eye, we both lose our sight
And two wrongs don't make a right
But when you been wronged and you know all along that it's just one life
At what point does one fight? (Good question, right?!?)"
- Justify My Thug, Jay-Z

You always here that nice guys finish last and it doesn't pay to be nice and bad things happen to good people, all the time. When you think about it though, WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT? Honestly?!? I know that I have the type of personality that may come off strong and ready for the fight at first, but I think after you get to know me people find the loop holes. Some people are genuinely too nice, and consistently find themselves doing too much. What's the reward you get? Well normally you get walked all over like a bath mat and you continually get knocked down and pushed out of the way. What's worse is that, those things don't change who you are. It's the ultimate proof that God has a sense of humor. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that we may differ on opinions of what is funny. LOL! But the question I posed in the title is does karma really exist? We always say what goes up must come down, and what goes around comes around. I'm not saying I'm wishing ill on people or anything but it seems like if karma does come around it surely is taking it's sweet time. As Jay-Z asked when you keep feeling that people are doing you wrong that you are going through unnecessary struggles and torment at what point do you decide to change? I don't want other peoples actions to shape me and change me. I really don't. Sometimes I think it may be inevitable though. If I'm consistent in always willing to extend a hand, will work twice as hard for someone else just to see a smile on their face, will continue to hold my tongue and forgive the disrespect at some point aren't I going to turn into an overused bitter individual? I think the answer is yes. Some people may believe in karma but I'm starting to think that it's broken. Stuff is going out there but it's damn sure not boomeranging around. Sure I've learned plenty about myself and the nature of people, but I've learned a lot of it in ways that I pray I do not ever have to repeat. People are selfish and manipulative and that's pretty scary. Especially if you are someone with a big heart who takes people at the word and tries to trust first and only question if need be. I guess all I can do is hope that all those times that I've turned the other cheek and all those times that I've been the bigger person come back in a good way to me when I do go away from here. Hopefully those things will outweigh the mistakes I've made and the times that I've done someone wrong. Hopefully!

A Form of Self Therapy

In class yesterday we talked about articles that we read about alternative forms of treatment and therapy. One person read an article about how blogging can be used as a form of self therapy. Makes sense. People can get on write out what they are feeling or express it with music or pictures or both and then they can get feedback from people as well, so you have a place to get it out and a support system to go along with it. I know I use my blog as a vehicle for self therapy cause lord knows that I don't talk about things nearly as much as I should. LOL! It's much easier to write than it is to say somethings. Don't get me wrong I can express myself and what I'm thinking and feeling and at times I can do it objectively. But writing has and probably always will be much easier for me anyway.

Sometimes I do worry that the lack of emotions that I show on a regular basis may be a bad thing in the long run. I was talking to my brother and he said that there is no way that I can avoid it though. It's interesting how I can analyze other people and situations but it is very difficult to analyze my own life. He stated though that we grew up in house where it's not like you were told not to express yourself or what you were feeling but we did indirectly learn that if you breakdown then you BREAKDOWN and you won't be able to pick yourself up for awhile so you grin and bare it and you move through it. I find it difficult to cry nowadays. When I do cry it's obvious that I am deeply and extremely angry or upset. It really takes a lot for me to cry especially in front of someone. It's just very interesting how it works, I guess. Anyone can tell you I'm one of the most sensitive people in the world. I talk a hell of a lot of shit and have no problem hurting other people's feelings at times, but when it comes to me I'm a softy I can't take it. Even with that being said though crying is not something that I do. Now sometimes I have no choice and I'll go sit to myself in my room or something and let it out, but it is rare. I wonder what would happen if I just never cried again? Would I blow up from bottled emotions? I know what I would tell other people. The answer would simply be well something will happen, what I'm not sure but bottling and stuffing things down is not an effective or healthy coping mechanism. Plus it doesn't work. You just feel like shit for longer than you would probably have to feel that way if you would just let yourself feel those emotions.

Just a few thoughts.

Somedays I Am A Grownup

As I've stated before, I'm currently in the counseling program on the community agency track at George Mason University in their Education Department. It's amazing to me firstly, that soooo many of the students there are females. I promise you I have entire classes where there are 20 some students and there may be 0 guys. If there are guys there are only about 1 or 2. I don't think I've had a class yet with more than 2 guys in it. Another thing that is amazing to me is how many of the students are married, whether for many years, or recently, or engaged. A lot of the students are parents some of the older students who are going back to school have grown children where as those who are around my age are new parents. It's very interesting to me sometimes to see people who obviously have similar and sometimes the same interests (at least career wise) that I do, who have such different lives than I do.

I'm currently taking a Human Development class. We speak a lot about development of course but we talk about issues that are very interesting at times. Just this week we had a conversation about racism and discrimination. Sometimes it's interesting to me to see how naive people are about the amount of racism that still exists in this country. Other times it is very interesting to me to see how informed some people are. One thing in particular that was of interest to me was how defensive some people can get. I can understand if you disagree with a scientist or author or researcher or doctor, etc., etc., etc., who is making a blanket statement. Believe me as a black person if anyone can understand the disapproval, anger, and defensiveness that comes along with having someone make a blanket statement about your race, it's me. But I think a lot of times in those scenarios a person may need to look within themselves and make completely sure that the level of defensiveness isn't coming from a place that is not ready to accept a flaw or an aspect of your character. For instance if someone says oh I can't stand how all black people want something for free and don't work for anything. I would get very upset about this it is a blanket statement no differentiation no explanation of why this person feels this way. But if someone said I don't understand why so many black people that I have come into contact with want something for free and don't want to work for anything. I don't take offense to that. I can't get mad at your observations. I can't get mad at your opinion based on your experiences. That doesn't even make sense! With a statement like that it leaves room for me to step up and say well I'm a black person and while free is my favorite price I enjoy working and receiving the benefits of working hard. In saying that I show you something that you may have not witnessed before. Now when this person speaks maybe they will say well I've met a lot of black people who were like this.... but I know that all black people are not like that. One person in particular was rather adamant about her background and her knowledge and etc. That's all in well but what I really wanted to say to her was that no matter what you do in life no matter who is in your family and no matter what you think you know, you will never, ever, know in this lifetime what it is like to be a black person in America. And in saying that you can not ever tell me what messages or concepts have been passed down and taught to black people whether directly or in an indirect way. I don't think anyone who tells a young black person that they have to work ten times as hard just to get half as far is doing that person a disservice. It may not be true in every black persons life but in all honesty what does it hurt to tell someone to expect the worst and hope for the best. All that person is doing is giving that young person encouragement to work hard and to not take anything for granted. Other races in this country understand it well, as well. I think in this one particular persons want to differentiate herself and prove that this particular article was wrong and that I as a black person speaking about my personal FACTUAL experiences didn't know what I was talking about... just served to prove the point of the author. She was so defensive and dare I say hostile in a way that she did make herself seem to be the very quote that she was trying to protest.

We have many interesting conversations in my class. We've been talking about the stages of development since the class began and we will continue to do so. I must say it interests me that in some theories they talk about the age group that I fit in. In this age group people are supposed to be looking for companionship and love and etc. We move past our childhood stages of being very selfish and curious and learning all of the concrete aspects of life and move into the idea of hey I don't think I wanna be alone. It's very interesting. I think we can all agree that no matter what kind of relationship you do or don't want, no one wants to be alone. Even if you have a tight family unit and great friends to rely on, I think we all have that need for something more. We all want to find a connection with someone. Some of us just want a physical connection some of us want the whole package but none the less we all want something that we can not get from our family and friend units.

When learning about this stuff it really has made me wonder, how the different events of our lives frame how we go about this stage. Some people know right off the bat that they want to be married by 25, they want X amount of children, they want to be successful, give back to the community, and participate in activities that make their life interesting. While others just know that if they wake up tomorrow and go in to their current job make a few dollars and then chill with their crew they'll be good to go. It really is amazing when you really sit and think about it. There are so many people in this world and somehow (even though the divorce rate is 50% in this country) so many people are in the right place at the right time and meet an individual that they after a short or long period of time can see themselves with for the rest of their lives and make commitment to attempt to do that. Craziness! I think the idea of relationships, and love, and passion, and commitment, and feelings, interests me so much because to me it is one of the biggest signs that God must exist. We walk around aimlessly and somehow meet a person that makes you want to be a better person, that brings you joy even when you're mad at each other, that you want to make babies with, and travel and see the world with, that you tell all your secrets to, even some of the ones that you didn't think you were ready to admit to yourself. There has to be a God, because how else can you explain an experience that can be so random actually working out for as many as it does work out for.

That whole area has always been such a mystery to me. I think mainly because my parents have always been divorced. At least for as much as I can remember. It happened when I was about 4 or 5 I guess. So when I think back I can't really remember my parents being "together". I can remember them in the same house and what not but I never saw that relationship. My father has remarried twice since then. The first time to one of the tricks he cheated on my mother with. So you already can gather that no one was looking to that relationship as an example of how they should be. The last time to his current wife who is only a few years older than my brother, who is only two years older than I am. Sooooooooooo yeah. Then my mother had one real boyfriend that we knew about who I hated because to me he was an immature asshole. Which I figured out at the age of 6 or so. LOL! So no examples there. I had what I would call my first encounter with a "relationship" when I was about 5. His name was Aaron he was a little blonde hair blue eyed boy that lived across the street. We played together, had dinner together, naptime together. It was probably the most stable relationship I've ever had. Which is soooo sad to say I know. Third grade when I was 8 I had a "boyfriend" and we were "together" until the end of Fifth grade when I moved. I guess that was my longest relationship to date, LOL! After that we moved so much and those awkward years kicked in or the fat years as I call them and there wasn't much in the way of prospects for me. The end of high school brought the beginning of the shedding of the "baby fat" as Mom called it and some flirtations and what not that were exciting at the time but didn't turn into anything. College brought my first REAL boyfriend but even that relationship was screwed from the jump. He was on the rebound, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and all though I still have love for him and he's cool people that whole situation was a train wreck. College continued with me having to transition from being unnoticed and unaware to being front and center, persued, and having to learn quickly that everyone does not have your best interest at heart. Especially a college guy with a twenty four hour erection and the only qualification for putting it in something was that you were female. College did bring me the first person I was ever in love with though. That was a great experience for what it was worth. It ended horribly like most other situations I've been in. But at least I realized that something like that could happen. It was definitely an eye opener. When I returned home it seems like all of the instances instead of getting better with age have just gotten WEIRDER! I've had a guy break up with me at 4am while I was at work never to hear from him again, I've had a steady "booty call" that was three hours away and achieved that elusive place that most guys say that girls can't get to where. Where you just resolve within yourself that this person is there for conversation and going out from time to time to eat, or a movie but there are not strings attached you get yours he gets his and you call it a day. I've had so many absolute losers approach me it's rediculous. It is amazing to me how so many guys either have shit to show for themselves and then want to act like you're the one who is being a bitch. Well I'm not going to apologize for going to college and getting a job where I am on salary and have benefits. I'm not going to apologize for continuing my education, for taking pride in being able to buy my own car and rent my own apartment and not having to put anyone else's name on shit but my own. I'm not going to apologize for having dreams and being ambitious and knowing what I want in that aspect of my life. And I'm damn sure not going to apologize for wanting a guy who has some of those things going for himself. Anyone who has read my blog or that knows me can see that I'm not unreasonable. If you have some goals if you have things in the works if you are trying I can work with that. But don't approach me with no job no ambition to get a job driving your Mom's car and spending your friends money and call me a bitch when I turn you down. I'm allowed to have standards. I'll be the first to admit while I definitely know what I don't want. I don't always know what it is that I do want. Some days I want to get married and have children and all that jazz. Other days I'd just be happy with a long term relationship and the possibility of kids and while others I don't want kids or anything that is too long lasting. But I am able to admit that. All of this is so interesting to me because you have no control over how you feel, who you fall for, who you don't like, and what not. Yeah you can try to make yourself open to new people or you can try to tell yourself that you don't have feelings for someone but on the inside you know what the truth is.

All of my close friends and my closest fam. know that this time last year I was super excited. I was so happy that if I saw myself right now a year ago I would want to strangle myself kind of happy. It wasn't because I had found the secret to happiness. It wasn't because I figured out what I want or had some type of promise for the future either. I was just happy because I was able to spend my free time with someone who I thought was an awesome person. I could be honest with this person, I could be mad at this person, I could be silly with this person. I could be myself, and I think this person felt comfortable enough to be himself with me as well. You don't have that kind of connection with someone everyday. I've known my brother for 25 years now, he knows every good and bad thing about me. I can fight with him and know that everything will still be cool tomorrow. But I've known him for 25 years, so that's something that I would expect. This person I'm talking about I literally felt like was my best friend after knowing him for 2 days. How crazy is that? But like all things it fell apart. I'm attempting now to salvage what I can of the friendship aspects. When it all first fell apart all I could think about was my pain and how much I was hurting. Then I was just angry, then sullen, then I didn't give a shit, then hurt again, and now I'm ok I think. It's hard to gauge though, because I don't have direct contact with this person on a regular basis. I'm curious to see what it is that I do feel at this point. I think part of what helped move me through those anger and sullen stages was the idea that I'm not an idiot and that all though my past relationships have led me to feel otherwise, I'm not defective. I guess I just tried to put myself in this persons shoes and just thought about all the good things that happened because I knew him and that he had to be feeling a loss as well and he had to feel conflicted and hurt maybe even angry or sullen at times as well. I wasn't the only one that was there, there for I can't be the only one who feels a loss. I just resolved within myself that the reasons don't really matter what is clear is the end result that all though things seemed bright and cool and dare I say, AWESOME, that despite that decisions were made and everything is different now.

I have a hard time with things that I feel like I don't have any control over. I don't need to be making all the decisions or be in complete control, but I guess in a lot of the "relationship" aspects of my life I haven't felt like an active contributor. It was like I was there but I could've been a bystander for the amount of input it seemed that I had. Although I think I am a great communicater, an awesome listener, and a good advice giver, in the situations that have upset me the most none of those skills were used. The other person did all the reasoning, and thinking, and rationalizing, and communicating within themself or with their friends and then I was just given a cut in dry this is how it's gonna be. It's very disempowering and a blow to someone who realizes that no relationship, friendship or otherwise is going to be completely equal but does expect even if it is naive of me to think that they will be equitous. And if things are equitous then that would mean that I would get to have my say and my views would at least be heard and weighed. I would at least be a part of the process. I believe in a personality test I took once it asked if you'd rather be loved or respected. I thought to myself duh I'd rather be loved, then I realized that's not true for me. These situations that I have been through have proven that to me. I'd much rather be respected. Of course I need to be loved too. Everyone does! But in these situations I did not feel like I was consulted or that my thoughts or feelings mattered and for me that equaled feeling disrespected. It's great how that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing works. Things really are always much clearer when you look back on them.

I think many aspects of my past are still cloudy, and they may remain that way for a very longtime even forever. Because some questions there just aren't any answers to, and some feelings don't go away. But at least for the future I realize where my weak spots are and flaws in my character that I can work on. Hopefully, I can learn from the experiences that I've had that it's not the end of the world to get stepped on a few times, and it doesn't even matter how many times you stay down, but as long as you get up, well then you are trying and sometimes that's all that you can do.