Grown... hmm...

Grown Women

Girls want to control the man in their life.

Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.

Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.

Grown women revel in it using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.

Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.

Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.

Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.

Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).

Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.

Girls think a guy crying is weak.

Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.

Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.

Grown women know that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.

Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.

Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends

One of my best friends sent me that little diddy. I think we all need that reminder sometimes. It is not easy being a grown woman, but that's how you get that distinction, being able to get through the things that girls can't handle. We were all girls at some point but not all of us grow out of being a girl. I've gotten a lot of these things down, but I can see a few where I can still benefit from reminding myself on a regular basis. I've never been the type to try to keep a guy from being with his friends because to be honest I love hanging out with my girls and I've never had the problem of falling for the bad boy because that guy has never really appealed to me. Whereas I've had a leg up on those things there are the items such as being too focused on the object of my affection and ignoring the signs I am definitely guilty of that, I'm guilty of worrying about whether I was good enough or pretty enough, I'm guilty of being afraid to be alone, and I'm guilty of checking a guy for not calling. But then again I think as long as I'm alive and breathing I'll probably have some fear of being alone because lets be serious no one wants that for the long run. I don't think any amount of being busy or working on your personal growth will relieve that fear for anyone who does have it. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to not want to be alone. I also don't think it's a bad thing for holding anyone not just a guy accountable for saying they are going to call you and not doing so. I get mad at my friends, co-workers, boss, and especially people who are calling me about money, if they say they are going to call and don't. I think everyone has been focused on an object of their affection and not seen the obvious signs before, but I also believe that the older we get the better people get at covering up "the signs" and you end up literally getting gut punched like DAMN where did all of these red flags come from. I also don't believe that you can't be a grown woman and hurt by one man and be ready to be done with all the rest of them. I think that's basic freakin survival. You can only be optimistic but so much but if someone is in a relationship for ten or twelve years I think they've earned the right to be a little bitter if the shit hits the fan, I also believe that if you are experiencing a pattern of ain't shit dudes that it is reasonable to be apprehensive, scared, bitter, and all those other words about all the rest of them out there. It's a scary world out there. I would love to say that the older we get the easier it gets to navigate things like relationships but it doesn't. As I said before people just get better at covering up their red flags and sometimes your knee deep in it before you realize what's going on around you.

Anyone who has been reading this here blog for awhile is well aware that I am on a break personally. So far it's going well. I'm happy to report that I've been sex free for 6 months at the end of this week. (I will admit that only three of them have been by choice) but non-the-less it's an accomplishment. I feel like I can talk about sex and joke about it and it's not difficult anymore. I guess you could say I have a sense of freedom, the monkey isn't on my back anymore. I've come to a point for me that I really want more and need more out of life than a fuck buddy. I even need more than having someone to go out with from time to time or sleep next to from time to time. I am focused now on getting my Masters Degree and getting better at my job and trying to spend time with my family and my friends and it is a good thing. I'm not going to compromise anymore and I'm happy about it. I think in the past I've compromised and didn't even realize I was doing it. Now I see it. So I can fix it. I am on the bitter boat somewhat which I think helps with the whole not caring about being around a guy on a regular basis because honestly I do feel like they all suck at the moment. I'm just glad that I didn't fall back on what I usually do when I feel hurt by a guy. I won't share what that usual fall back is but I realize that it isn't and wasn't healthy and I realized it then but it was a distraction and made me feel better for some of the time. But I don't know maybe providing myself with that distraction is what kept me from getting bitter and what kept me able to I guess be hopelessly hopeful. Now there is no distraction so I'm being more realistic and calling my surroundings for what they are. That is that guys do suck but a lot of girls suck to and I guess it's like Good Charlotte said, you play with fire it's gonna burn you... everybody's hurt somebody before, everybody's been hurt by somebody before ,you can change but you'll always come back for more, it's a game and we're all just victims of love.

At the moment I'm having a perplexing situation. I have in the past been able to have sexual relationships with guys and then be able to be friends with them afterwards. If nothing else I do have the ability to differentiate. One thing I will say though that I find helps in those situations is if you are able to joke with each other and laugh at the situation(s) that you were in before when you guys were still messing around. Also if neither person did anything that was disrespectful to the other then it's usually not difficult to maintain the friendship, in my experience anyway. I have this "friend" supposedly, and we did have a very physical and rather intense kind of non-relationship for a point in time. Now that is over. At first of course I had a lot of trouble accepting it because I wasn't the one that made the decision and I thought things were pretty great, so I didn't see why we had to let that go. Well after I was able to accept that-that part of the relationship was over, I had to decide whether or not I could be friends and if I wanted to be friends with him anymore. After some consideration I decided that I'd rather be friends with this person rather than not be anything because I valued the way that I could talk to him and the way that he talked to me and I genuinely liked communicating with him and the friends part of us hanging out. Well I've been giving him his space and for awhile I would just communicate with him if he communicated with me or just like a once a week saying hello and asking how things were etc., etc., and then slowly but surely I've asked him several times over the last few months or so if he wanted to have lunch, or get a drink, or a meal, or meet up with friends (so as it wouldn't be just him and I) and I'm not getting blatant no's from him I'm not getting any real answers either. When he says he'll call he never does and when he says oh that sounds good or maybe he never follows through. On my end I'm not a retard so I can see a pattern when I see a pattern. I do still care though and there is a part of me that wants to figure out a way to make things as easy as possible for both of us to be able to maintain a friendship. I'm not getting any real help here though. It's very hard for me to give up on people. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship I have with them. I was friends with a college roommate and we had a rocky time and then things were great, then she started hanging out with this other girl and even though no one said she had to she decided that she needed to choose between friends she said some really hurtful things to me and we weren't friends anymore, when she came back and wanted to work things out later on I said ok and I put up with her bullshit and her bullying once again and then once again in her fashion she says she doesn't want to be friends with me. She also like before tried to turn it all on me as if I was a bad person. In that situation I just let her go. I didn't keep calling her, I haven't written or emailed her, I haven't tried in any way to converse with her at all because I am finally done with that relationship. I realize that she has/had many issues and none of those were my fault and it wasn't my job to fix her either if she couldn't respect me for who I am and accept my friendship to be genuine and caring that was her problem to fix not mine. Well that took a long time to happen. I'm just wondering in this situation should I just withdraw entirely, just not communicate at all? Do I keep trying to extend the olive branch? I really don't know. I don't know if he is purposefully being the way that he is, I don't know if he needs more time before he can consider having an actual friendship with me, I don't know if he just doesn't want to be friends at all and doesn't know how to say that with out being a dick about it or if he thinks that he's being a perfectly good friend and doesn't need to change anything. So maybe someone can tell me if I'm being too nice and need to just say fuck it or if I should be using some other approach. I'm open for any and all suggestions at this point.