I Am...

I found this poem online and I've had it on my myspace profile for quite some time now. When I first read it, it was like someone wrote it about me...


I am a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend.

I am a partner, a student, a young girl, and a grown woman.

I am confident and scared, terrified and excited.

I am loving and caring, and thoughtful, and hopeful.

I am sick and tired.

I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless.

I am broken and whole.

I am misunderstood, misguided, and mislead.

I am hardworking and determined, but a little scared on the inside.

I wish on stars, and dream my dreams.

I pray to God and cry my tears.

I smile on the outside, while I'm dying on the inside.

I listen to others who won't listen to me.

I walk on eggshells, and I walk on fire.

I believe in passion, but not true love.

I love you and I push you away.

I want you but not so close.

I am everything and nothing all at once, and all I want is for you to love me.

Last night was one of those defining nights for me. It was Thanksgiving. I understand somewhere in my mind that I don't have the "normal" family that others have. I mean the type of family that fights and loves each other and may get into little tiffs over the holidays but overall have a great time with one another. Other times I think that I forget that and then when things happen I am quickly reminded and brought back to reality. I ended up walking out of my Mom's house and going home very angry last night. I slept most of the day because I worked Monday through Saturday last week had Sunday off and then worked Monday through Wednesday. I am trying to get my last few projects and research papers done for the semester as well. I am also working today (Friday) tomorrow and then will be off Sunday so that I can work Monday through Saturday again next week. It's not easy by any means but I'm still trying to be sociable and get along with my Mom. I loaned her money, so we could have a Thanksgiving dinner together. As I said I slept most of the day yesterday so that when I woke up I could be in the mood to go sit and eat dinner with her and hopefully be some what cordial and upbeat. Firstly, she didn't have dinner ready until after 8. We went to visit my Grandmother for awhile and then went over to her house. When the food still wasn't ready I have to admit I was a little peeved. I had only eaten some Apple Jacks that day and I was starving. I attempted to hold that to myself and even offered to help her finish up a few things if she wanted me to. While we were eating she was trying to talk to me about the person that I'm currently dating. I understood that she was just trying to make conversation but I was hungry and I just wanted to eat. I just told her things were fine but I didn't really elaborate. I just don't see the need just because we are sitting in a room together to always be talking to one another. I think one reason why Jeff (my brother) and I are such good room mates and have always been is because we have a great friendship. No matter how angry I get with him and believe me I really get angry with him. Especially, when I feel like he's not pulling his weight and everything is falling on me. (Which is how I feel right now to be honest). But anyway, we are capable of sitting together and watching tv or reading or doing whatever and not talking to one another. Neither one of us feels the need to fill up the space in the room with conversation just for the sake of talking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting together especially if you're tired or just not in the mood to talk. Well apparently my mother took this to heart. She waits until my brother goes outside to put some things in the car. Then says to me that she won't be calling me anymore because everytime she calls me I'm too busy to talk or I don't want to talk. And that I say that she always talks about herself and changes the subject but when she was trying to talk to me about my "friend" tonight that I didn't want to talk. So she won't be talking to me unless I call her and talk to her or some bullshit like that. Firstly, Monday through Friday I work for 8 to 10 hours of the day, I also go to school for three hours three days a week. She always calls me when I am at work driving with residents in my car or when I am inbetween places trying to wrap up things at one site so I can get to the other. It is not my fault that I don't have a desk job where I am free to conversate with her whenever she feels like it. She also calls me right when I'm going into class or when I've just gotten out. I won't apologize for working from 10am to 6pm and then sitting in class from 7:20 until 10:00pm and not feeling like answering the phone to talk while I'm driving home or when I've just walked in the house at quarter til 11. I did not feel like talking at dinner, why, because I was fucking tired. Yes I slept most of the day but by the time we ate and what not I was ready to go back home and go to sleep. I'm sorry if I don't behave like the "typical" 25 year old who has energy for days. But it also doesn't help that as soon as we walked in the door to her house she was already complaining. I am sorry but I hear enough fucking complaining at my job. She was complaining about not having this or not having that or not being able to cook this a certain way or some person at work that's doing this or that. BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!! That's all the fuck I heard. I am sorry if I do not have a lot of patience these days, but I'm not fucking super woman. I never claim to be. I think I'm pretty great to handle all the things that I have and do on a daily basis. I've just come to the conclusion that she will never understand that or be able to remover her head from up her own ass long enough to realize the logistics of some one else's life. I've decided that I'll just take a break from her for awhile. I'm so happy that I don't live with her anymore that I don't know what to do. I am truly, truly, truly, thankful this year for that!