My Latest Love

If I haven't made it clear before and I think I have... I love music! Sometimes I come across something and I just want to jump up and down smiling from ear to ear thanking God that my ears have been blessed with its sound. Such a thing happened recently when I heard ZZ Ward!!!! O-M-G!!!! This woman is fucking awesome!

Here are my favorites:

"Put the Gun Down"

"Home"

My absolute favorite "Lil Darlin"

Selfish

If I didn't know it before, and I did, people are selfish...

The last several months I have had some clear and present examples of how people will continue to take from you until you can give no more. How people can be so concerned about their experience that they really never even considered how you may feel about something. It's the strangest thing to me. I'm just not built that way. I'm a very giving person and I genuinely care about how those that I care about feel around me and about me. I am also a very curious person by nature. Sometimes I will just continue to offer to help or do and just see if someone will continue to leech. It's amazing how many people will.

I have also learned that while everyone knows that misery loves company... it is also true that some people will never be able to be happy for you in anything that you do. Why is that? Well it's for varied reasons but it comes down to selfishness: Well if she doesn't do this particular task anymore that means I would have to do it or If she moves on to something better then who will be here for me. Also comes down to insecurities and sometimes just plain old lack of insight. For some whether you are the type of person who wants attention or the occasional ray of light shining on you they just don't know how to let someone else shine.

Finding these qualities in people I interact with on a regular basis is no surprise really. I will admit though that it does come as a surprise to me when I run into it in the counseling field... I have definitely learned, however, that most people don't do what I do for the same reasons I do. I have also learned that at 29 the same is true as it was when I was 23. The older some people get the less ambitious and positive they are. Seeing someone my age be where I am, having accomplished what I have, despite my circumstances, and the realization of how much life (God willing) I have in front of me - just does not sit well with everyone.

All I can do is thank God everyday for those people who do support me, who want me to succeed no matter what they have or haven't accomplished. I especially thank him for my biggest and most consistent supporter... myself! I am thankful that he gave me enough courage and hope to continue to drive forward in my pursuit to do better and be a better person but also enough confidence that I don't have to dull someone else's shine, or steal their light, or not be happy for them because of my baggage!

Strawberry Swing

I love Coldplay but there is something about any song Frank Ocean sings... He is an extremely talented individual.

When The Music Speaks To Me...

I don't ever think I could truly express my love for music especially when I find that one song that I can't get out of my head or that I can't stop relating to or that speaks to me in some other way; often shedding a different light or perspective on something relevant to me currently. Here are a few songs that I am absolutely  in love with currently and for various reasons. But you don't need to know everything in my head to be able to probably put together the meaning...

1) Frank Ocean ft. Andre 3000 Pink Matter

"Pink Matter"
(feat. André 3000)

And the peaches and the mangos

That you could sell for me...

What do you think my brain is made for

Is it just a container for the mind

This great grey matter

Sensei replied, what is your woman

Is she just a container for the child

That soft pink matter

Cotton candy Majin Buu

Close my eyes and fall into you

My god she's giving me pleasure

What if the sky and the stars are for show

And the aliens are watching live

From the purple matter

Sensei went quiet then violent

And we sparred until we both grew tired

Nothing mattered

Cotton candy Majin Buu

Dim the lights and fall into you, you, you

My god, giving me pleasure

Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure

Pleasure over matter

[André 3000]

Since you been gone

I been having withdrawals

You were such a habit to call

I ain't myself at all had to tell myself naw

She's better with some fella with a regular job

I didn't wanna get her involved

By dinner Mr. Benjamin was sittin' in awe

Hopped into my car drove far

Far's too close and I remember

My memories no sharp

Butter knife what a life anyway

I'm building y'all a clock stop

What am I, Hemingway?

She had the kind of body

That would probably intimidate

Any of 'em that were un-southern

Not me cousin

If models are made for modeling

Thick girls are made for cuddlin'

Switch worlds and we can huddle then

Who needs another friend

I need to hold your hand

You'd need no other man

We'd flee to other lands

Grey matter

Blue used to be my favorite color

Now I ain't got no choice

Blue matter

You're good at being bad

You're bad at being good

For heaven's sakes go to hell

Knock knock knock knock on wood

You're good at being bad

You're bad at being good

For heaven's sakes go to hell

Knock on wood

For heaven's sakes go to hell

Knock knock knock on wood

Well frankly when that ocean so mahfuckin' good

Make her swab the mahfuckin' wood

Make her walk the mahfuckin' plank

Make her rob a mahfuckin' bank

With no mask on and a rusty revolver

2. The Script No Words

"No Words"

Whooo ooo

I could talk all day long about the news,

Giving you the current affairs and my views

I could talk all night long about a song,

Giving you the pointers on where you're going wrong.

I could talk all year long about the net

And sending you the links I think you haven't seen yet.

I'd like to tell you things that I think you never heard, but there are no words

I could talk all day long about dreams,

Sewing up your heart so you never see a seam.

I could talk all day about politics,

All of the corruption, clean hands, dirty tricks

But what can I say

About something that blows me away

Without it soundin' like another cliché?

From what I've seen and I've heard,

When it comes to you, baby, no, there are no, there are no words.

There are no words,

Yeah, I swear this much is true,

There ain't a word in this world that describes you

I could talk all day long about life,

After so many wars, how we're all still alive.

I could speak all night long about the world,

How it took me thirty years just to find one girl.

I could shoot shit for days all about guitars,

A Gibson or a Fender, it depends on who you are.

But when I try to say something that you never heard,

There are no words

I could burn your ear off all about space,

Why we have a moon, the moon has a face.

If the earth is spinning, why we all stay in place?

Why we can't walk it's gotta be a space race.

But what can I say,

That's gonna' blow her mind away,

Tryna write a classic not a throw away.

All I've seen, all I've heard,

When it comes to you, there are no, there are no, there are no words, no words.

There are no words.

Yeah, I swear this much is true

There ain't a word in this world that describe you, that describe you.

Yeah, I swear this much is true

There ain't a word in this world that describes you.

No words.

There are no words to describe or define

What’s inside you, your feeling, your vibe

Believe me I’ve tried to break you down to a science

I see you in my mind and I open my mouth and it’s silence

I can articulate a Shakespeare poem

Even though I didn’t know him

I can see where he was going

And where he’s coming from

I can even catch his flow

And then I think of you

I don’t know where this metaphor is going

'Cause there are no words you can understand, only lovers can

You can ask the professor and the madman

If they couldn’t find the words, no one can

All I’ve seen, all I heard

When it comes to you there’s just no, just no words

(Just no words, no words)

Yeah, I swear this much is true,

There are no word in this world that describes you, that describes you.

Yeah, I swear this much is true,

There are no word in this world that describes you.

There are no...

There are no...

3. The Weeknd High For This (Ellie Goulding Cover) 

"High For This"

You don't know what's in store

But you know what you're here for

Close your eyes

Lay yourself beside me

Hold tight for this ride

We don't need no protection

Come alone

We don't need attention

Open your hand

Take a glass

Don't be scared

I'm right here

Even though you don't roll

Trust me girl

You wanna be high for this

Take it off

You want it off

'Cause I know what you're feeling

It's okay girl I feel it too

Let it beat baby breathe

I swear I'm right here

We'll be good; I promise

We'll be so good

Open your hand

Take a glass

Don't be scared

I'm right here

Even though you don't roll

Trust me girl

You wanna be high for this

You wanna be high for this

You wanna be high for this

You wanna be high for this

You wanna be high for this

Want VS Need

The most difficult battles are those fought internally. One of the most uprooting of those battles is the challenge of deciphering what you want vs. what you need...

Rarely in life do we get "handed" the opportunity to get both in one. Usually, we have to have a devastatingly tiring back and forth between what we know is right and what we truly wish was right. Do you go with the reality of a situation; can you even see the reality of a situation vs the ideal? What we need can eventually turn into what we want and in that safe place in the back of the mind I know I often find myself drawn there. Need eventually shows that it's got your back. That everything in time is right where and as it should be and that it's got your back. Need is trustworthy and after you accept it you don't have to go back and decipher it, it's clear.

The not so safe option, however, happens to eat at my gut from time to time. My gut tells me it's not the right choice, I'm not disillusioned as to the consequences of choosing the want over the need. Often though, I fall into the in front of my face trappings of the want. Usually the need has to be found, worked on in some way, looked at just a certain way just to see its importance. Want jumps out at you, it says all the right things, lures you in... Want plays to the insecurities and the weak spots you hold and says hey don't worry about tomorrow this is awesome right now. In the grand scheme of things even if the want gets you in trouble, burns you, it's a learning experience, it usually is fun while it lasts, and if you go in understanding how it's going to play out the consequences don't have to be too damaging...

So what to do? How do you decide?

Heck if I know...

OUCH!

The idea of a check-in is something that is used often in the counseling and training world. Whether you use some sort of signal or color coded formula or a word, it is a great way to make sure that everyone is still engaged and processing as you go along.

As I look at my various social media pages and listen to the news today my check-in word is definitely OUCH! For lack of a softer term, shit is heavy out there right now. I expected nothing less after this election to be honest. I think it shows how important this country is to EVERYONE! If Obama lost there would have been a great deal of people bitter, angry, upset, and fearful for the country as well.

I have never been one that is HUGE on politics. There are a great deal of matters that take place behind the scenes and so much circular talk and red tape that it becomes confusing. I have yet to meet anyone who has one political view or another that thinks they are wrong or that their vision could possibly be skewed. I do however live in The United States of America. I am not a felon, of age, pay my taxes, and as I understand it that gives me the right to vote. It gives me and millions of others the right to vote not the right to qualify or devalue anothers right to vote.

The biggest OUCH! that I have experienced during this election is the idea that because I am black is the only reason why I voted for Obama. Please, don't get me wrong I am well aware and know many black people who did in fact only vote for Obama for that reason. My issue is that, it is their right to do so. No one said that anyone has to make a truly informed decision or that you must follow certain guidelines to vote. It's your right to choose who you want to vote for. I am offended however that it is the first assumption by many. Do I think it's really amazing and historically significant that a black man was voted president twice in this country? I absolutely do! That doesn't mean though that I would honestly put my future or my hopes for what I want my government to do for me to the side just to vote for someone based on their skin color. As stated previously I also recognize that I am not the most educated when it comes to politics so I am more than willing to listen to and hear out those who have opposing views to mine as well. I respect other peoples right to vote and to make their decisions however they choose. Where it becomes a problem is when instead of educating me on your point of view you spew hateful, ignorant, and bitter remarks to me.

I don't automatically assume that a conservative white person is only voting for Romney because he is white. As stated before, however, even if they are that is their right. It's just really hurtful to see the manner in which others denigrate the choices that others make. We all have different opinions, viewpoints, values, and issues that we find to be important. Whether you are the least or the most informed the varying values, and issues of importance to you can greatly skew and determine which candidate you felt was best for you. As my brother so eloquently pointed out at this point it is not about the finger pointing or the blame game anymore. What it is about is all the levels of government working together with the president to make changes that help this country move forward and recover. Disregarding someones view point or insinuating that they are less of an American because they voted differently than you is ridiculous it makes me sick to my stomach. We live in a country where we are supposedly the most privileged and richest and there are still children who starve or die from neglect. Yet, a great deal of us sit around and point fingers back and forth about how one is not doing enough here or focusing too much there. No one President will ever cause or solve all of our problems!

In the end the downfall of Americans will not be their lack of education (at least not directly) or their desire to elect a Democrat, Republican, or other. It will not be people voting because someone is or is not of a certain race, religion, or socioeconomic standing. The downfall will be that a country with a history as dirty and disgusting as the United States will get so full of itself, so forgetful of what they are capable of both good and bad, that it actually believes that anything can be accomplished that any real growth or change can happen without working together to do it. People are afraid of Socialism not afraid enough of the dangers of Capitalism, and act as though when the elected official is not one that they support that we live in a Dictatorship. It all comes down to our ability to put aside our individual opinions and work together.

I find this quote extremely relevant:

 “Not in order to justify, but simply in order to explain my lack of consistency, I say: Look at my present life and then at my former life, and you will see that I do attempt to carry them out. It is true that I have not fulfilled one thousandth part of them [Christian precepts], and I am ashamed of this, but I have failed to fulfill them not because I did not wish to, but because I was unable to. Teach me how to escape from the net of temptations that surrounds me, help me and I will fulfill them; even without help I wish and hope to fulfill them.


Attack me, I do this myself, but attack me rather than the path I follow and which I point out to anyone who asks me where I think it lies. If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side! If it is not the right way, then show me another way; but if I stagger and lose the way, you must help me, you must keep me on the true path, just as I am ready to support you. Do not mislead me, do not be glad that I have got lost, do not shout out joyfully: “Look at him! He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog!” No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support.”

― Leo Tolstoy

In this quote you can replace the Christian precepts with any task or agenda. Tolstoy said, instead of talking about the person in a negative manner or acting as though their supporters are "idiots" or some how less than you because they made a different choice than you did, how about you do what you can to support this person, help them. If you believe you know what is best, a better plan, what needs to be done then encourage those working in Government no matter their political affiliation to be of help and not waste time acting as though if the President fails it does not hurt everyone. What is done is done, but let's find a way to move forward.

Learning Lessons

Where has the year gone?????

I can't believe that it is almost 2013. The year most definitely started out not so great and slowly got more and more difficult. I am so happy to see that it looks like things are turning around now. *knock on wood*

I'm really happy that no matter what happens in life if you have the right outlook you can always find that silver lining or that lesson. I have had several situations happen either recently or that occurred this year where I am just now recognizing the relevance in my life and gaining clarity on questions that I have had. It's been on my mind so much so that I felt like I should share:

1) The age old saying is that when people show you who they are, believe them, as well as, don't make a priority out of someone that makes you an option.

• I had to learn this one the hard way this year. As for people showing me who they are. This is actually one of those things where I am so happy that I can now see the full scope of some peoples character that are or were in my life. Although one individual I can't exactly cut off or act like they don't exist but what I can do now is understand that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do they are still going to maintain their current mindset. That helps me to not feel bad saying no, or to make sure I guard myself and my feelings first and really ask myself if this person follows their normal way of being and I go along with it how is it going to make me feel after when I am treated in the same way as they usually do? That is really freeing. As for the other individual where this applies to greatly, I can't even put into words how freeing it is to know exactly who this person is now. It helped me to let go of a lot of things that I didn't even realize fully, I was holding on to. As for being made an option by some this thought came to me several months back. I thought about all the phone calls I was making, all the get togethers I was trying to plan and really stopped to see if I didn't pick up the phone or keep trying to contact people in multiple ways would we still interact as much. The result was a resounding "nope". At that point I just stepped back and let those who actively participate in my life be my priorities and forgot about those who were making me an option.

2) If you wait for the perfect time to do anything, it will never get done.

• I have learned this year that there are quite a few things that I wanted to do that I've wanted to do for quite some time or that I have given a lot of thought to. I kept disregarding what I wanted and saying that I had to wait for a better time, for finances to be better, for other situations to be fully resolved. I realized that although I am grateful for everything that I do have in my life and recognize the frailty of life I wasn't really living by reacting that way. By no means am I being irresponsible or trying to force something into a space where the timing just isn't right, but I am taking more chances and doing more of the things that I want to because there simply may not be a tomorrow to do it.

3) To get something you've never had you have to be willing to do something you've never done.

• We all know by now that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. Well I luckily wasn't involved in insane acts, lol, but I wasn't fully embracing some changes. I am one of those people who is more anxious and excited about change than one who dreads it. I like the idea of being in a new space and trying something different and figuring it out. One thing I have not been embracing about change is when you try something different or new at times it might not feel right but that doesn't mean that it is wrong. I have been trying to embrace change in that way so that hopefully I can accomplish somethings that I have not been able to in the past.

I have learned a lot this year but those were the three most important things. Sorry if it is super vague but obviously I'm not trying to share my entire life details, lol! I hope it's helpful to someone else though. Here's to ending this year strong, and starting the new year well and wisely!