My Life

Ever feel like a secondary player or an unwitting participant in God's plan?

I feel like that a lot, especially lately. I don't want it to sound like I don't realize that God has a plan for me and that, that plan may not have anything to do with my "plans", cause I do. I realize that and accept it, and hope that I'm able to make the plans that he wants for me to make happen, happen as smoothly as possible. It's just that sometimes I feel stuck in between believing that my life the part where I evolve and grow into a more self-reliant independent person, the part where I make a lasting love relationship, the part where I buy my first house, or decide whether I want to have a family or not is either on hold until later in life or permanently in order to keep me in a position to aid those around me better. I don't know if any of this is making sense, I just feel like I continue to try to make moves and get things done and then I keep getting monkey wrenches thrown into the plans because I do have a heart and I do care about the people around me and since it's not dire for me to make those moves I change my plans and alter my life by putting it on hold for "the greater good". In the end I usually end up being the one who feels regret and wonders why didn't I just do what I was going to do in the first place.

I don't know, there have been all these times where I say I'm going to be selfish and worry about myself and what I need and what I want to do and everyone else is going to have to just stop depending on me to be there to lean on, because sometimes I need someone to lean on and more often than not I'm finding that when I start to trust/believe that I can lean on someone that I find myself lying on the floor instead. Sometimes I feel like the people in my life along with God for that matter know that I'm capable of handling some pretty major blows and maybe some of the other people who I'm making sacrifices in my life for aren't as capable and therefor by default it's like hey Kristin is resourceful and she'll bounce back but such-and-such may not so we'll just go with Kristin. I don't know, does anyone else ever feel like that? It's just very difficult sometimes, and confusing.

UGH!!!